Okay, first, because it has to be said, my mom should come with a mute button.
So I've been a complete hypochondriac lately. Everything that happens to me, or maybe I should say, what I imagine happens to me, I think is a symptom of MS. You know I wouldn't think this way if it wasn't for that stupid twitch in my eye I had over the holidays. My left eye twitched here and there throughout the day, for nearly a month. Nothing like that had never happened to me, so I immediately started thinking, oh my god, I'm getting MS like Tiffany. And then with all my handy dandy research, finding something about a particular muscle spasm of the eye in rare cases can be a symptom of MS, did not help my fears any, either. You know what, maybe my eye twitch was a symptom of MS. But it is probably just as likely that it wasn't, too. I mean, the article I read said "rare cases." And I really only have a 10% chance of getting MS. Most likely, my eye twitch was due to eye strain from spending hours pouring over my new computer, and add in the stress of the holidays (insert my evil family here), plus my grandfather being in the hospital, plus the stress of Tiff's MS, plus the stress of thinking I was getting MS, and well, you have an eye twitch that happens for a month. This is the way my brain races on a regular basis. I wasn't kidding earlier when I said I needed a therapist.
It's just hard, to be dealing with the fact that your sister has MS. That at 22 years old, she's been sentenced to a fate that is so scary and frightening. Something that doctor's really don't understand very well. And then to know that you have a 10% chance of having the same fate. In theory, 10% sounds minimial, but when it's your life, 10% seems like a hell of a chance. I sometimes feel like we're all trapped in this horrible bad dream that just won't go away. And I want our old life back. I want our life back of just a year ago, when everything was normal and okay, and my biggest worry was whether or not I was going to pass Organic Chemistry.
And I guess I'm angry at my parents too. I'm angry at them for not doing anything to deal with this. To not think that, hey maybe as a family we should seek counseling. No, it's better to just act like everything is normal, in their opinion. I cry about this almost every day, and yet I never talk to anyone about it, because the people who should understand my thoughts and feelings are pretending that this doesn't exist.
Then I feel guilty for being worried about myself. Why am I thinkng about what could happen to me, when I should be dealing with what probably will be happening to my sister. It's just this bad emotional whirlwind, and I feel like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I haven't slept well in four days, because every night I have these random thoughts that I'm going to get MS. Like, I'll notice my left hand is slightly tense, so, that must mean MS. Well, what it actually means is that I spent the better part of 4 to 5 hours writing out notes for the MCAT, and when you're clutching an ink pen for dear life as I tend to, for four hours, you hand tends to be a little tense at the end of the day.
I guess just bottom line I'm really angry with life right now. And I feel like everyone around me wants me to smile and say how great our family is doing, and how well Tiffany is handling things. People never really want to know the truth, that Tiffany's flare up is gone but her leg remains numb day and night, and that my parents are pretending that everything is okay, and that I am a flipping nut case who thinks every cough or ache or pain is a precursor of MS.
I didn't intend this post to be a rant on MS. But I've been bottling this up inside of me for so long, it needs to come out.
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Monday, March 13, 2006
So I admit it, I'm angry
Okay, first, because it has to be said, my mom should come with a mute button.
So I've been a complete hypochondriac lately. Everything that happens to me, or maybe I should say, what I imagine happens to me, I think is a symptom of MS. You know I wouldn't think this way if it wasn't for that stupid twitch in my eye I had over the holidays. My left eye twitched here and there throughout the day, for nearly a month. Nothing like that had never happened to me, so I immediately started thinking, oh my god, I'm getting MS like Tiffany. And then with all my handy dandy research, finding something about a particular muscle spasm of the eye in rare cases can be a symptom of MS, did not help my fears any, either. You know what, maybe my eye twitch was a symptom of MS. But it is probably just as likely that it wasn't, too. I mean, the article I read said "rare cases." And I really only have a 10% chance of getting MS. Most likely, my eye twitch was due to eye strain from spending hours pouring over my new computer, and add in the stress of the holidays (insert my evil family here), plus my grandfather being in the hospital, plus the stress of Tiff's MS, plus the stress of thinking I was getting MS, and well, you have an eye twitch that happens for a month. This is the way my brain races on a regular basis. I wasn't kidding earlier when I said I needed a therapist.
It's just hard, to be dealing with the fact that your sister has MS. That at 22 years old, she's been sentenced to a fate that is so scary and frightening. Something that doctor's really don't understand very well. And then to know that you have a 10% chance of having the same fate. In theory, 10% sounds minimial, but when it's your life, 10% seems like a hell of a chance. I sometimes feel like we're all trapped in this horrible bad dream that just won't go away. And I want our old life back. I want our life back of just a year ago, when everything was normal and okay, and my biggest worry was whether or not I was going to pass Organic Chemistry.
And I guess I'm angry at my parents too. I'm angry at them for not doing anything to deal with this. To not think that, hey maybe as a family we should seek counseling. No, it's better to just act like everything is normal, in their opinion. I cry about this almost every day, and yet I never talk to anyone about it, because the people who should understand my thoughts and feelings are pretending that this doesn't exist.
Then I feel guilty for being worried about myself. Why am I thinkng about what could happen to me, when I should be dealing with what probably will be happening to my sister. It's just this bad emotional whirlwind, and I feel like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I haven't slept well in four days, because every night I have these random thoughts that I'm going to get MS. Like, I'll notice my left hand is slightly tense, so, that must mean MS. Well, what it actually means is that I spent the better part of 4 to 5 hours writing out notes for the MCAT, and when you're clutching an ink pen for dear life as I tend to, for four hours, you hand tends to be a little tense at the end of the day.
I guess just bottom line I'm really angry with life right now. And I feel like everyone around me wants me to smile and say how great our family is doing, and how well Tiffany is handling things. People never really want to know the truth, that Tiffany's flare up is gone but her leg remains numb day and night, and that my parents are pretending that everything is okay, and that I am a flipping nut case who thinks every cough or ache or pain is a precursor of MS.
I didn't intend this post to be a rant on MS. But I've been bottling this up inside of me for so long, it needs to come out.
So I've been a complete hypochondriac lately. Everything that happens to me, or maybe I should say, what I imagine happens to me, I think is a symptom of MS. You know I wouldn't think this way if it wasn't for that stupid twitch in my eye I had over the holidays. My left eye twitched here and there throughout the day, for nearly a month. Nothing like that had never happened to me, so I immediately started thinking, oh my god, I'm getting MS like Tiffany. And then with all my handy dandy research, finding something about a particular muscle spasm of the eye in rare cases can be a symptom of MS, did not help my fears any, either. You know what, maybe my eye twitch was a symptom of MS. But it is probably just as likely that it wasn't, too. I mean, the article I read said "rare cases." And I really only have a 10% chance of getting MS. Most likely, my eye twitch was due to eye strain from spending hours pouring over my new computer, and add in the stress of the holidays (insert my evil family here), plus my grandfather being in the hospital, plus the stress of Tiff's MS, plus the stress of thinking I was getting MS, and well, you have an eye twitch that happens for a month. This is the way my brain races on a regular basis. I wasn't kidding earlier when I said I needed a therapist.
It's just hard, to be dealing with the fact that your sister has MS. That at 22 years old, she's been sentenced to a fate that is so scary and frightening. Something that doctor's really don't understand very well. And then to know that you have a 10% chance of having the same fate. In theory, 10% sounds minimial, but when it's your life, 10% seems like a hell of a chance. I sometimes feel like we're all trapped in this horrible bad dream that just won't go away. And I want our old life back. I want our life back of just a year ago, when everything was normal and okay, and my biggest worry was whether or not I was going to pass Organic Chemistry.
And I guess I'm angry at my parents too. I'm angry at them for not doing anything to deal with this. To not think that, hey maybe as a family we should seek counseling. No, it's better to just act like everything is normal, in their opinion. I cry about this almost every day, and yet I never talk to anyone about it, because the people who should understand my thoughts and feelings are pretending that this doesn't exist.
Then I feel guilty for being worried about myself. Why am I thinkng about what could happen to me, when I should be dealing with what probably will be happening to my sister. It's just this bad emotional whirlwind, and I feel like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I haven't slept well in four days, because every night I have these random thoughts that I'm going to get MS. Like, I'll notice my left hand is slightly tense, so, that must mean MS. Well, what it actually means is that I spent the better part of 4 to 5 hours writing out notes for the MCAT, and when you're clutching an ink pen for dear life as I tend to, for four hours, you hand tends to be a little tense at the end of the day.
I guess just bottom line I'm really angry with life right now. And I feel like everyone around me wants me to smile and say how great our family is doing, and how well Tiffany is handling things. People never really want to know the truth, that Tiffany's flare up is gone but her leg remains numb day and night, and that my parents are pretending that everything is okay, and that I am a flipping nut case who thinks every cough or ache or pain is a precursor of MS.
I didn't intend this post to be a rant on MS. But I've been bottling this up inside of me for so long, it needs to come out.
3 comments:
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Robin said...
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{{Hugs}} Tamara!
I understand to some degree how you feel. When my mom went into renal failure, she was very very sick. No one in my family suggested counseling to understand what was happening to her or anything. In fact even now, my mom has been on dialysis almost four years and my dad is technically her "care giver." He hasn't ever gone to counseling and he ended up in the hospital himself from the stress of it all.
Or when I was sick with my depression, everyone just went on about their lives and I wanted to scream at my family. It was as though my being sick inconvienienced them even though they would never admit that.
[/end my own rant]
Therapy is really awesome though! :) -
3:34 PM EST
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Tamara said...
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Thanks Robin, I feel your hug :) Just over the past few days this stuff has really been getting to me. I feel like I have to be optimistic all the time, and right now it's the last thing on my mind. I'm tired of friends who either act like my thoughts on MS are about as significant as my opinion on the weather, or friends who just start going on and on about what a nightmare this, and start taking pity on my sister like she's already in a wheelchair or something. I don't want people's pity, I just want people to try and understand what this must be like. I guess I just want my feelings to be validated. I don't want pity, I just want someone who will actually acknowledge my thoughts and feelings.
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6:14 PM EST
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Anonymous said...
- This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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5:46 PM EST
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3 comments:
{{Hugs}} Tamara!
I understand to some degree how you feel. When my mom went into renal failure, she was very very sick. No one in my family suggested counseling to understand what was happening to her or anything. In fact even now, my mom has been on dialysis almost four years and my dad is technically her "care giver." He hasn't ever gone to counseling and he ended up in the hospital himself from the stress of it all.
Or when I was sick with my depression, everyone just went on about their lives and I wanted to scream at my family. It was as though my being sick inconvienienced them even though they would never admit that.
[/end my own rant]
Therapy is really awesome though! :)
Thanks Robin, I feel your hug :) Just over the past few days this stuff has really been getting to me. I feel like I have to be optimistic all the time, and right now it's the last thing on my mind. I'm tired of friends who either act like my thoughts on MS are about as significant as my opinion on the weather, or friends who just start going on and on about what a nightmare this, and start taking pity on my sister like she's already in a wheelchair or something. I don't want people's pity, I just want people to try and understand what this must be like. I guess I just want my feelings to be validated. I don't want pity, I just want someone who will actually acknowledge my thoughts and feelings.
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