See me, utterly confused!

Woo! This past week has seemed to go by very fast, but very slowly at the same time. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's the way I've been feeling lately. I guess it's just because a week from now I'll be moving myself and most of my belongings over to the west side of the state for camp! Which is a very odd concept to me right now, how did this all sneak up on me? I was under the impression that I'd be arriving on Monday, June 2nd, but apparently there was an error in my contract. I'm actually supposed to arrive on Saturday, May 31st! So I got a couple of days cut off my mental schedule, and now I feel like I'm scrambling a bit to keep up with everything.

May Weekend overall was a good experience. I wasn't really looking forward to it in the moment, but as usual, I enjoyed myself more than I expected to. The girls are nice (noticeably the UDs seem to be getting younger, but I think that it's actually just me getting older), and the guys were all super friendly and very enthusiastic. It seems like lately I'm fitting in with the guys better than the girls! That's an odd experience for me because I've always been the girl who always had a mob of girl friends and like one male friend. To suddenly be part of the boys club is a little interesting.

Anyhow, there was the whole "team bonding," and some funnier moments as well. Such as when I was talking on the phone to my boss Jenn about songs for the "All Camp Sing" and missed the exit for the bowling center we were going to! Only I didn't realize I missed the exit until I drove past two more exits! (I apparently was having a blond moment!) Then my boss Heidi was on the phone with me trying to give me correct directions, except her sense of direction is apparently NOT one of her many skills in life, and I almost got more lost. It was really funny especially since there were a car full of female UDs with me who were cracking up while listening to the speaker phone conversation between me and Heidi.

And then there was also a very awkward moment, on Sunday. At that point all our meetings were over and people were leaving and heading for the airport. My boss Jenn asked me if I'd like to hang around a bit and take a walk with her and her dog. Usually taking walks with her dog is Jenn's way of having a heart to heart with me, so I agreed, realizing she must have something she wanted to get off her chest. Boy did she! First we started out with casual conversation, talking about our thoughts of May Weekend, and some of the things that have been going on during the fall and winter in our lives. Next thing I know, we dive in to a conversation about the summer, and how little changes here and there may effect our jobs. Jenn started telling me about how she's "shed many tears" over this summer, and that this is going to be a hard year for her, since it's the 10th year she's been the Health Director.

Now of course, I asked her why she was shedding tears over the summer. It seemed pretty odd to me that she would be upset before the summer even started, especially since she seems to enjoy her job so much. She started talking about all these little changes were being made for my behalf, and that she and Heidi had been having more and more talks about how it's time for her to move on to a different aspect of the camp. She mentioned that it was time for her to have a regular 9 to 5 position year round, versus working basically two jobs at the camp. I already knew about some of this, as Heidi had once mentioned to me in the past that "Jenn won't be the Health Director forever, she's been moving in to other jobs and it's not feasible for her to do both."

So, I wasn't entirely shocked by that aspect of the conversation. What did take me by surprise, and really, completely stunned me, was the next bit of the conversation. Jenn simply began rambling about how she was worried that these "changes" may stress me out before I'm ready for them, and she didn't want to see me get stressed. When I mentioned that I was ready for the changes was when the conversation turned in to that area that stunned me. Jenn went on and on and on at this point. Her rambling continued as follows:

"I know, I know. Adrian and Heidi said you can handle this, and that you won't get overly stressed by this. They keep telling me you can handle it. And I believe them, but still... it's hard you know? I've been the Health Director for ten years, and loved my job. I've loved it, but even in the moment, it seemed temporary. Like I kind of fell in to the job by accident, but that sooner or later they'd like to put me somewhere else. And I'm okay with that, really I am, but I guess I just got comfortable. And I keep thinking about it, and it can be a really good thing, you know? No longer spending my summers focused on health stuff, and then running back to the office to work on the web stuff, and then the post camp band stuff... you know? I could enjoy like a normal summer, like get off work at five and go home and that be that. And Adrian keeps telling me how you can handle all of this, that you're tough. And Heidi keeps telling me that this has been the plan for quite a while, to hand the torch to you. All it was taking was for you to be ready for it. And like, I know you're ready, but I don't want to overwhelm you. Heidi said 'It's time. Let Tamara have this, she can do a great job, and you can finally relax. Tamara can handle all of this, and it's her time.' So next summer, I could relax, you know. And I know if you want this, you'll do a great job. You will. I just want you to be ready for it, you know?"

See me, trying not to look like I'm gasping for air. Jenn just in so many words told me that Heidi would pretty much be offering me her job, as the Health Director. I mean, the thought had crossed my mind that it was a possibility, but I never really gave it much thought. And the way Jenn described it made it seem like it would be happening sometime within the next year. Holy cow! The Health Director job seems like a bit too much for me to bite off. There are soooo many logistical things involved, not to mention being EMT certified and dealing with the international groups' health procedures, the camp health procedures, hiring staff, etc. Plus let's not forget the big point here... the job is a full time, year round position. That would mean that this wouldn't just be a job for me to do during the summer, this would be like a possible career. And possibly offered to me within the next year. And it occurred to me that this was probably not something Heidi had planned on Jenn discussing with me, but knowing Jenn, this is like her way of taking the shock out of everything. So, yes, see my head spinning. I'm just as confused about the conversation as I was on Sunday, and I still don't know what to think of it all.

So now I feel like the pressure is really on. I feel like all these "changes" have been made to see if I can hold my own, once and for all. Most of these changes have seemed like they give Jenn more time off and me more responsibility. In the moment of learning about them, it seemed like I was getting the short end of the stick, but now it all makes sense. And where does this all leave me? Utterly confused. In less than a week I'm going to be thrown in to all of this full force, and I have no idea what to think about it. Geez. Well, I guess it's nice to know what my boss really thinks of me... but I kind of wish I didn't know. As if I haven't had enough anxiety about the future, now this curve ball gets thrown at me. Obviously, I'll keep my blog updated about this soon-to-be crazy summer!

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And finally, I feel like my money has been pouring out of me uncontrollably. $1,100 for a tuition bill, $250 for car maintenance, and oh yes, joy of my life, my paycheck failed to be delivered in the mail yesterday! Hopefully it will come today, but if not, I'll have to call and have it canceled, probably pay a fee, and probably won't see it for another two weeks. Great. Fan-freaking-tastic. Not to mention I really wanted to get a new cell phone this week before leaving for camp! Hopefully my check from May Weekend will come in the mail versus me receiving in when I get to camp, so that I can actually afford to get my new phone.