Calling Dr. Fraiser Crane....

I think I need a therapist.

Seriously, with all the crap that I've went through in life, I think a therapist would be a good investment.

So yesterday, I didn't study at all. I had this roaring headache all day long. So I'll partially excuse myself. I think I could have at least done an hour, but at least I can say that I wasn't feeling good. Today, though, I've just simply been a total lazy lump of blah. I've gotten 2 not so great study hours in, and my mind keeps wandering away. I just have this horrible fear that I'm going to fail the physics and inorganic chem part. The organic chem is actually coming along alright, and the bio is just simple review really. The verbal reasoning is just going to take time practice. But I feel like that no matter how hard I study for the physics and inorganic stuff, I'm going to do dismal at best. Which is really pissing me off because I did fantastic in freshman physics. I definately had the highest grade in the class, and I was the only person that semester to get an A+ on one of Dr. Pearson's physics exams. So why is this so hard now? Why??? The inorganic chem, I knew would be a headache, but why is this physics suddenly so hard??

Which brings me back to the point that I need a therapist. I have this horrible self destructive streak inside of me. It's like I have a fear of not being the best and not being the smartest person I know. (Which I know if a great arrogant fault of mine for sure, but this is what comes from being sent to a child psychologist as a child to have your IQ tested. Then spending years at the school for the "gifted and talented" and having psych students come to use you as a case study, and make you put puzzles together while timing you like some lab rat. Tends to make you think your only self worth in life is being smart.) I have this way about me. It's like, if I start to feel as though I just might not be able to do something, I purposely sabotage myself. Because I guess in the end, in my twisted brain, it's better to say I did horribly on the MCAT because I chose not to study, then to admit that I studied nonstop and did horribly. Because studying nonstop and doing horrible would some how indicate that I'm just stupid. But to say I did bad because I didn't feel like studying, is like saying that of course I'm smart enough to do well, I just didn't care.

Which of course is the stupidest BS ever. I mean, in the end, the only way I would be stupid is to purposely not study. That's stupid. Studying and then not doing good doesn't mean I'm stupid, it probably means I need better review of some materials and some more study time. But I wish I could be that rational. No instead, I'll probably waste away my study time and then spend the week leading up to the MCAT crying about how stupid I was for not getting more study time.

I am working very hard to not give into this side of myself. And if I gain anything from taking the MCAT it will be overcoming my self destructive behavior. I sabotaged myself through Cell Biology, and through the second half of Organic Chemistry. I do not want to give into this very negative aspect of my personality.

Which brings back the point, I need a therapist.