Meet Dr. Wigston's Wife, LaFawnduh.

I'm going to tell a humorous story, but first I have to give background information. (Otherwise you wouldn't find the story as funny. You'd still find it funny of course, just not as funny.)

Okay so during my upperlevel undergraduate years, all three of them, lol, I had a crazy professor named Dr. Wigston. Dr. Wigston is an elderly, white, little shrunken man, ah about 5 foot 5 and has a hunchback, and looks like he's lucky if he's 100lbs soaking wet with wool on. (Where did my mom come up with that expression, and why do I use it?) He's British, and a botanist, and extremely interested in anything having to do with any of the Homo genus (err, genus right, not family? Err. LOL Better look over that for the MCAT. Yeah that's gotta be genus, I mean Homo sapiens would be genus Homo, species sapiens right? Ah whatever!) And he's a member of all those cheesy, traditional, prestigious Biology clubs and organizations around the world. The Darwianian Society I think is his proudest claim to fame. He also revels in telling randomly crazy, but oh so true stories, like his time spent in Papua New Guinea and the time he caught malaria (as he explains, he still has it, but thanks to Michigan climate, it is in remission). He tells us about his graduate studies in Australia, and the time he spent in Kenya, and when he worked for the Pentagon and for NASA. He tells with great vigor how his lecture notes from when he worked at Florida State were stolen by his colleages and published into the book we are now reading. He tells us about the only time in life that he punched a man, which happened to be at a Darwinian conference in London, after he had had one too many brandys and some schmuck was supporting creationism.... Yes, basically, Dr. Wigston is a character. And yes, all the stories are extremely outlandish, but %100 true. He's one of the most delightful people you could ever meet, and also the most unusual.

So that's your background information. Fast foward, or rather rewind, to, oh about this time last year. I was, along with my good friend Latoya, in my senior year, putting together my final research paper, a species recovery plan, for none other than Dr. Wigston. Latoya and I, had knocked on Dr. Wigston's office door, hoping to discuss our papers with him.

And here's what happened, written in a script like form, because it makes it that much funnier:

Dr. Wigston: Hello girls, come on in. Well, why don't you sit for a bit, you see, I was just in the Bio office putting a pot of water on for my tea. I'm afraid if I don't go to get it now, someone else will run off with my hot water and there will go my tea. Do you mind waiting?
Tamara and Latoya: [in unision] Oh of course not. We can wait.
Dr. Wigston: Oh good! I'll be back in just a bit then!
[Now the girls have settled into odd seats, Latoya in an old armchair, and Tamara in what looks like an old dining chair.]
Tamara: Oh my god. He's got it rather pimped out in here, don't you think?
Latoya: Oh, haha! What the freaking heck? He's got like all his attic leftovers from home in here. All the other professors have like metal folding chairs for you to sit on, maybe an old desk chair. But this? (looking around.)
Tamara:(also looking around) Wow. Look at all the maps and pictures on the wall. To think, he's been to all these places. Isn't that insane? Really. Who would think as a little child that they'd be all over the world like he has?
Latoya: Tamara, I really don't think Dr. Wigston was a normal child. He was probably that odd little kid who didn't talk until they were like five, and would rather stare at blades of grass than like, you know, play tag.
Tamara:(still looking around, taking notice to a framed picture of Dr. Wigston on a bookcase shelf. See Dr. Wigston, in a fedora, with a overcoat thrown over his shoulder, looking over his shoulder at the camera, winking.) Latoya look! (pointing) Look at that picture of Dr. Wigston!
Latoya: Oh my lord, the man thinks he's a pimp.
Tamara: Hahahaha! That looks like one of those mall glamour shots! No better yet, it looks like the pictures on soap operas that the put out at funerals when someone drove their car off a cliff.
Latoya: Oh my god, Tamara, stop. (Laughing) You are so insane. (Looking up) Ohh, shh! Be quiet, I think I hear Dr. Wigston coming!
[Enter Dr. Wigston, stirring a coffee mug full of Earl Grey Tea.]
Dr. Wigston: Oh girls, good. Sorry to keep you waiting. Now, I suppose you'd like to discuss your papers? You know I'm very glad that you two are taking your papers so seriously. Now Tamara, you're doing dolphins, is that right? The bottleneck correct? Oh it sounds so interesting, I can't wait to read it. And Latoyaerr, now what is it that you were doing again?
Latoya: (clearly irritated) The hammerhead shark, Dr. Wigston.
Dr. Wigston: (completely oblivious to Latoya) Oh, yes yes. That's right. Oh dear, I seemed to have forgotten the cream for my tea. Will you girls wait here for just another moment while I run down to the office to get my cream? That is if that nitwit Jerry didn't use it for his coffee. You know, I'm all for sharing, but enough is enough really!
Tamara: That's alright, Dr. Wigston. Latoya and I have another hour before our next class, we don't mind waiting.
Dr. Wigston: Oh excellent. All right then, I'll be right back!
[Dr. Wigston exits]
Latoya: Tamara, why did you tell him that? He'll have us waiting here all day long.
Tamara: Oh, I'm sure it won't be that long. (Looking around more)
Latoya: And what is it about you and me? Why is it, we're the only two brown people in his class, yet he always remembers you, and hardly remembers that I'm his student. You know the other day he called me "Tamara's friend." Like, what the freaking heck man?
Tamara: Ah, who can understand Dr. Wigston. He's a bit insane like that. (Looking around more) Hey Latoya! Look over your shoulder, look at that picture of that random black woman on his wall. What the heck? He doesn't have any other pictures of women on his wall, why would he have random photo like that up?
Latoya: Ooh, she's kind of big an burly too. I have no idea who she is. Maybe another professor?
Tamara: Ah. I don't know. That's kind of weird though. Isn't he married? Why would he have her picture up and not his wife's? Do you think that's his wife??
Latoya: Tamara, that big burly black woman is his wife? Come one, now.
Tamara: Well, I know that would be incredibly weird. Not that it would be weird him being married to a black woman, but him being married to...her.
Latoya: No, I doubt she's his wife. She's probably some random villager from Kenya who is his pen pal.
Tamara: Oh god. That's probably it. But it would be so freaking hillarious if that 250 lb woman was his wife. Ooh, here come's Dr. Wigston!
[Enter Dr. Wigston, with a cream stain on his Homo erectus tie.] Oh girls, good, let's get back to those papers now....

Now, fast foward to a week ago. The scene is my bedroom, me in my in my yoga clothes doing Pilates, when my cell phone rings (to Hollerback Girl by Gwen Stefani).

Tamara: Hello?
Latoya: Hey Tamara! What's going on?
Tamara: Ah, just doing Pilates. Gotta work some of this jiggle of me bum.
Latoya: Yeah some jiggle. My butt is as big as yours. Hey, what are you trying to get at?
Tamara: Oh whatever. So yeah, I've just been studying, you know how that goes. You just got done with the DAT, so you know what the hell of the MCAT is like. So oh, that reminds me, I'm almost done with an application, I gotta mail it in. But I need to get some recommendations first. I was going to ask Dr. Wigston, didn't he give you a recommendation for dental school?
Latoya: Yeah he did. But you'll have to stay on him to get him to get it done. I must have went by his office like a million times this summer. OOOOOOHHHHH! Tamara! Tamara! Dang it I was going to tell you this summer, but you were so busy being like the best super camp counselor in the world...
Tamara: That's super UD, not counselor.
Latoya: Yeah whatever. But listen! So remember how we were in his office that one time last winter, and we saw that picture of that burly black woman on his wall?
Tamara: Oh yeah, yeah! Haha. That was so funny. I still say that's his wife.
Latoya: No TAMARA!!! THAT IS HIS WIFE!! THAT'S HIS FREAKING WIFE!!!!
Tamara: What, how do you know???
Latoya: Cause. I went by his office on the day he was supposed to have my recommendation done, and he hadn't come to school. So I asked the secretary in the Bio office and she said he mentioned me, and told the secretary to give me his home phone number. So I called him.
Tamara: And??
Latoya: And, when I called, this ghetto black woman answered the phone. Like straight out of Detroit! Seriously. She was like "Helllloooow? Who this be? Yea, he ain't home right now, but I'm his wife, so I'll take a message for you."
Tamara: Oh my god! That is so freaking awesome!!
Latoya: So yeah. That's why he said something about living off Pasadena girl! I thought he didn't know any better than to live in the hood. But it turns out, his wife is a hoodrat. Oh my god. She's even more hood than most of the people in my family!
Tamara: Oh my god. Oh my god. I gotta tell my mom this, she's going to laugh so hard.
Latoya: No freaking wonder he always remembers you and never remembers me! You little mixed girl! You probably look like one of his freaking kids.
Tamara: Oh my god. Oh my god! Haha! This is sooooooooo Napoleon Dynamite.
Latoya: Yup, Dr. Wigston is totally Kip, and she's Lafawnduh.


End of story.

Long yes, but, well, rather worth it, don't you agree. Now, the real humor, and disturbing thoughts came later, when me and Latoya for some reason felt the need to ask, who would be on top?

Yes, we're naughty, naughty girls.