I have a BIG dilemma

There is a new Blue Lake post underneath this one if you are so inclined to read it...

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Moving on.

So I have this dilemma.

Well, I guess it's of my own creating.

I'm not sure how to explain it, so I guess I should just jump on in with it.

I've been kind of on the fence about returning to camp next summer. All of my friends keep asking me (a few have even begged me) to come back next summer. But you can't do something in life simply because your friends want you to. I mean I could, it's not physically impossible. There are rare times in life where I've done something just because a friend thought it to be a good idea, and for better or for worse, I've always regretted it. Not because it necessarily turned out to be a bad idea, but because it wasn't MY idea. I do not like letting other people make up my mind for me.

So, some of the reasons why I've thought about not returning to camp is because I feel like I should be a grown up and grown ups don't really work at summer camp, do they? I'm tired of wearing blue polo shirts all summer long. I'm tired of being sleep deprived all summer long. I'm tired of having that one counselor, that no matter how hard you work, they think your job is easy and that by taking a nap in your own cabin, you are lazy. I'm tired of my friends not understanding my joy of camp stories. And what about grad school next year? If I get in, the date of school plus the date of camp ending might overlap. I wouldn't feel right cutting out of my job early. And what if the school I go to doesn't have graduate housing? How am I going to find my first ever apartment hundreds of miles away at summer camp??

All of these questions keep floating in my head. On the flip side of that coin, I can't imagine not doing camp this summer. It's that time of year again where I start thinking that I should buy those navy blue sweatpants or dress slacks now, because when I need them in the spring no store will carry that color. It's the time of year for Blue Lake interviews. When the big H as I like to call her starts emailing you and sending you out applications. It's the time of year when people from camp start calling you, asking you what your plans are for the summer, and stir up your emotions as they go into an hour long conversation about a moment at camp last summer. It's the time of year when I start getting excited, thinking about the possibilities for next summer.

So there I am, stuck in the middle. My heart wants to do camp again, while my brain is not so convinced.

Okay, so if that wasn't confusing enough, I now have a dilemma.

Let's say, for instance, I've made up my mind about camp. Let's say, okay, I'm going to camp next summer, I've made up my mind.

It's not so simple as that.

The structure of camp is this. You have the camp director. That's the big H. Her family owns the camp, she was pretty much reared as a small child to oversee the this multimillion dollar corporation. It's in her blood. She's on the board of trustees, she is the all powerful OZ at camp. And then, you have directly under her, the associate staff directors. There used to be a Staff Director, and then two associate staff directors. The long time Staff Director is no longer at camp, because he and his wife (the former Camp Bernie Director...another person like a staff director of sorts) have two small children. So two summers ago, the Big H decided that instead of having two associates, she'd do away with Staff Director, and bring on three associates. Because there are twice as many female units on camp as male units, traditionally, there are two female associates and one male associate. Now moving on from this, you also have other people who are on administrative staff. The health lodge director, the assistant health lodge director, the Waterfront Director, the assistant waterfront director, the Camp Bernstein Director, and the assistant Camp Bernstein director. Wooh, I think that covers everyone.
Under those directors, you have the Unit Directors. 16 UDs in all. And under the UDs are the counselors, almost 200 of them in all.

So that's the camp hierarchy. It's understood that first you're a counselor. After a year or two of showing you're a good counselor, you get moved to UD position. After any number of years as a UD, when there is an opening, are you are one of the lucky ones chosen, you get moved into one of these Admin spots. Waterfront director is known to be a bit of a fluff job. They don't do much except train the lifeguards and keep the pool from turning green. UDs who get moved into that position are UDs who were once lifeguards. (I don't swim much, so that should answer any questions there.)

Last summer I was asked to (and I did) interview for the assistant health lodge director. Partly because I was one of the chosen "responsible" UDs, and partly because I have a degree in Bio and have this desire to do something with medicine. Why wouldn't I want to be trained as a first responder and be the Health Lodge director's bitch? Yeah, well that interview was not the best I've ever had, and as a result, the job went to another UD. At the time I was angry that I didn't get the job. But I was more upset about not getting the chance at a job with more responsibility then the job itself. I really did not want to work with the Health Lodge Director. Even though she and I have become friends, being friends with her is something entirely different then working with her. In the end, I realize that it was definitely in my best interests not to do that job. No regrets there.

Now we're moving closer to this summer, and my dilemma. One, with a good chance of two, female spots for Associate are up for grabs. Along with that, the Waterfront Director, as well as the Assistant Health Lodge Director and the Assistant Camp Bernstein Director.

Here's the dilemma. If I apply to work next summer, I'll be the most experienced UD on staff. I'll have more years in on staff then any of the other UDs. Plus, I was asked last summer to interview for one of these positions. So, there seems to be a good chance I might be asked to interview for one of them again. My friends all keep telling me this, but I keep downplaying it. But I realize it too, I'd have to be dumb not to. I've told them I don't know that I would want the stress of being an Associate. That isn't a lie, that's one of the biggest concerns about that job.

I didn't put on my application for this summer that I wanted to apply to be an associate. I figured I'm still on the fence about coming back, plus, if the Big H wants me to do that job, she'll contact me about it, right? That seems logical, except I've had this thought as of late. What if she just assumes that I'm the perfect person to put in the health lodge position because of my background, plus the fact that I showed interest by interviewing for it before? Last summer I was made to interview because multiple people were interested. This summer, what if she just outright asks me to do it? I don't want to feel like I'm being pushed into taking a job I don't want, simply because I don't want to say no to the Big H.

Here's the deep down truth, that I've never admitted to anyone before. I've always wanted to be an associate. From my first summer on camp on staff, I thought the associates had the best, coolest jobs on camp. They knew everything about everybody. Not only did they know about everything that was going on in every unit, they knew about every counselor in every unit. Everyone on staff both admires and fears them at the same time. If someone is going to yell at you because you've been doing a horrible job, it's an associate. If a kid is too much for a UD to handle, the associate is the person to step in.

Why have I always wanted to be an associate? I can't quite answer that. Is it because I'm overly competitive and I always want to be seen as being the very best at everything? Is it because I long to be the most popular among the crowd when I usually feel like the girl that is often forgotten? Is it because I'm a power hungry biotch that wants everyone to bow down to her power??? Okay, it's so not the last one. I'm a softy. I have no desire to be a bitch, and it always hurts my feelings to know someone doesn't like me. So I think it's probably the first one. I'm pretty okay with not being overly popular. But I am competitive, and I do like being the best an awful lot.

Is that such a bad thing though? Doesn't competitive streaks push people to challenge themselves and go beyond their limits?? Would that be a wrong reason for wanting to be an associate? Would there really be another reason for wanting to do it? Seriously. What would the other reason be? The job carries TONS of responsibility and stress.

So okay, secretly I have a desire to be an associate. But having a desire does not mean it's necessarily the best choice for me.

And finally, finally we get to my dilemma. I'm sure I've over-thought (overthunk?) this. But here goes the ramble anyhow. If I want to be an associate, shouldn't I just call or email the Big H and tell her I want to be considered for this position? Even if she was already considering me, this would be a way to say "Hey, look at me, I have initiative, a great quality to have in an associate." But once I do that, there is no turning back to "Oh, never mind, I think I want to be a UD instead." Honestly, it would burn my butt to know that some other girl got the job over me, simply because I didn't stand up and say I wanted it. And I also don't want to know that I didn't get it because the Big H thinks I still hold some hankering to be in the health lodge. I know of one other girl who would probably want the associate job, and would hold a chance of getting it over me. I really like this girl, too, I consider her a friend. But now I am feeling that competitive side, where I'd write an essay about the million and one reasons I was cut out for the job, even if the other candidate was my own mother. Geez, maybe I am a bit of a bitch.

The dilemma is, I'm not one hundred percent sure on camp, not even factoring in the idea of being an associate. But if I want to be an associate, I have about a week's window to stake my claim with the Big H, otherwise I'll be playing the throw me a bone game with the other girl. And this is still all theory, speculation. For all I know, the Big H could be on the phone this minute with a former associate, talking them back into working camp this summer, and then she wouldn't even need to fill this spot. She could be talking to a former UD who hasn't been on camp in a few years, talking them in to this job.

The point to all of this is that I don't know what to do. I need some advice! Anything would be better then the ramble of thoughts in my head right now. This is literally keeping me up at night.