Eh...

I am completely and utterly bored out of my mind!!!!

Sorry, I don't mean to turn my blog in to one big complaint... I'm just in a very strange life moment.

I'm so tired of worrying over grad school. I really need to let it go. I worry that I won't get in (which is a very realistic possibility seeing as the programs I'm applying to are rather competitive and I'm apparently too lazy to compete), I worry that I will get in, and I worry in general. I don't remember being this worried over it last year, and for goodness sakes I was studying for the MCAT this time last year!

Emotionally, I'm burnt out I guess. I wouldn't say I'm depressed so much as I would say I'm just drained for energy. Honestly, I think I've had a total of three anxiety attacks this month. I've never had it diagnosed by a doctor, but the whole waking up in the middle of the night, not being able to breathe, heart racing, feeling panicked for no reason... no fun at all. Especially because I realize I'm being irrational. The good part is that I have learned how to talk myself down from it. I'm not one who really wants to go to the doctor for an anti-anxiety pill... because let's face it, until I learn how to conquer some of these fears that are haunting me, I'll never properly deal with my anxieties.

Some of those anxiety attacks were no doubt triggered by PMS, my grandfather's passing, and my sister's MS issues. She went to the neurologist last week thinking he'd tell her how great her new medicine had kicked in... only to find out she has even more extensive scarring on her brain. I worry about her so much! She's my baby sister and I can't do anything to help her. I get so scared thinking that one day she might be crippled, and completely unable to control her body. I'm afraid that one day she's going to be a prisoner in her own body. I guess I fear that one day I'll be visiting my baby sister at a nursing home.

These are the things that really weigh on my brain.

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I have little worries and fears about my new job for the summer, but honestly, taking time to worry about that is a bit of a relief. It takes my mind off the other things I worry about... things like my sister and grad school and everything else.

I have to say, I am quite ready for Biochem to be over. I took it to supplement the work I've already done... but I am sooo over my study partners. Just one more month to go and then it's over! No more dealing with these people. No offense to them, they're not bad people... I just get tired of feeling as though I'm carrying someone else's weight on my shoulders when I definitely have enough of my own to carry.

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Speaking of carrying other people's weight... my former co-worker, aka UD who got let go... is driving me bonkers! She talked to me last night, and she still, after almost a month, is completely oblivious to why she got fired. What do you say to that? I think I gave her some answer about how she should do some personal reflection... because at this point, what else can I tell her? She basically confirmed my suspicions that she was jealous of my promotion, when she said something about "Oh if you weren't at camp this summer I would have loved to do your job... I got along great with Jenn last summer." Okay, a, you did not get along great with Jenn. B, if you got let go do you really think I was the only person standing in your way of a promotion? C, and this a big one, stop trying to impress me and yourself! Very rarely has a UD gotten let go, so please don't try to come off to me as though this was some fluke thing, that our boss was just having a PMS moment. Here she is willing to take a demotion... which if it were me my pride would definitely come in the way, so in that case I gotta give her props for swallowing that... but damn if she had swallowed that last year she wouldn't be in this position. I'm just tired of her sobbing about why she isn't good enough, her telling me to put in a good word for her, and in essence, her letting me know she wants my job. Enough already! Grow up!

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Finally, should I just suck it up and ask my family doctor if he will let me shadow him? I really despise the guy... and I think it would such an awkward experience, but damn it, it's the last thing missing from my resume. Seriously, I have no shadowing experience... and I need some STAT. I was getting in contact with a woman at a local hospital for over a month now... only for her to try to push me in to volunteering rather than helping me find one physician to shadow. Seriously, I'm all for volunteering, but I've already been volunteering with the MS society, I work, I go to school, I'm in the Festival Chorus, and I'm studying to be a first responder. It could be worse, but how much more of my time do I need to give up? Especially since my stress level is already overwhelming. I really wanted to shadow my sister's neurologist, but seeing as the stress she is under right now, I don't want to bother her with getting his contact info. I plan to call a woman at human resources at one of the other city hospitals and see if I can get better luck with her!

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There are positives in life right now, so no need to end my blog on a bad note! My dad's 56th birthday is this coming week... lol I'll post pictures of the festivities... although I think he wants a rather low key celebration. I'm thinking I might get him some party favors, if only because he's been complaining about having too many birthdays. It might help him to feel like a kid again. That reminds me, I think I'm going to take a break this weekend and go up to the Birch Run Outlets to go shopping. I had wanted to go with my best friend, but since she hasn't gotten back to me, I'm not opposed to going by myself!