Misery Longs Company? Part 2 of 2

Sorry I didn't post this blog yesterday! I wasn't quite ready to continue it, but here we go today!

When I left off, I had left choir rehearsal early because I was too upset to stay. On the way home, I ended up stopping at McDonald's to grab some dinner. I really should have known better, because whenever I'm really upset, I pretty much lose my appetite. Teddy and Tabby got most of my dinner that night. After I ate, I decided that I would just try to put all the thoughts out of my head and call it a night early. The last thing I wanted to do was to be upset for my birthday the next day! I crawled in to bed under all my warm blankets, and started reading my book. I thought that it would be enough to calm my brain and help me to sleep. Oh was I wrong! I couldn't concentrate on the book at all. I decided to watch some tv to distract myself (usually watching tv late at night will help me fall asleep better than anything) but even that wasn't working. I had heard some doctor on tv talking about the best thing to do if you had insomnia was to get up and do something. He said that lying in bed will only make matters worse, as you'll probably only be concentrating on whatever it is that is keeping you awake. So I decided to play a computer game, hoping it would take my mind off things.

Oh damn my anxiety! I knew that I was fully worked up and that it would be a miracle to turn my brain off long enough for me to get some sleep. I played games on my computer for nearly two hours, and still was wide awake. I even thought about breaking out my Game Cube and playing a Mario game, but it occurred to me that I wasn't really getting anywhere by avoiding my thoughts. The best strategy in the end was just to face what was bothering me head on. Maybe once I dealt with what was running around in my head, I would finally be able to sleep.

So now, I had to deal with it. I was really upset, but I needed to know why it was bothering me so much. Okay, so Dan ran off at the mouth. Okay fine. So possibly J was hired to do my job. Okay, that's not okay. Jenn was trying to get a second assistant hired for the summer, so if he was hired it didn't mean I was fired... but it would be a real slap in the face if he was hired prior to me. That means I wouldn't even have options! It would mean I would pretty much be told "Either work with J or...." And what would the "or" be? I hadn't really thought much about what I'd do for employment when subbing was done in June. Camp was always the safe option. I worked hard, I got a promotion, I was actually making good money for the summer! And now possibly I was going to lose out on that because Jenn favored J over me? I hadn't made a decision on camp yet, and I was completely fine with not working the job this summer... as long as that was my decision to make. But to feel like someone was possibly cornering me in to a decision really pissed me off.

At this point, it was almost 4am. I was exhausted, and angry, and teary-eyed. And to top it all off, it was my birthday. I thought I would finally go to bed, but as my head hit the pillow, I realized I needed to do one more thing before I could go to bed. So I got out my laptop and decided to email Adrian and Jenn, at 4am. I sent them a short email that simply said "Hey, so I was told we'd get back in contact about the summer as soon as my application was in. I sent in my application over a month ago, so I was just wondering when we'd get time to chat. Thanks, Tamara." For better or for worse, I wasn't going to spend my birthday worrying over this. I wanted this resolved, the sooner the better. After writing that email, I felt like I had a weight lifted off my shoulder, and that I could finally sleep.

When I finally woke up that morning (yes, it was almost 5 am before I fell asleep, and I was up again by 10:30 am), I decided I needed to know ASAP if I had a reply email. Surely I did, from Jenn, in which she said "Hey Tamara. Sorry it's taken so long. I asked Adrian the other day, and he asked me to hold off a bit, but I'll ask him again today, okay?" Hmm, okay, that sounded okay, but why did Adrian ask her to hold off? I decided that I couldn't keep thinking about what that reply meant, so I in turn immediately replied with "Okay. That sounds fine. You can just tell Adrian that I'm sitting here, twiddling my thumbs, waiting for a response, on my birthday... or maybe you can leave that part out. Just let him know I'm waiting, and I'd appreciate it when he can get back to me." Possibly a little snotty, possibly sounding a little pitiful, but I just didn't care how I sounded. I just wanted it resolved so that I could go on with my day.

Later on that day, in the early afternoon, lo and behold I was feeling sleepy. I decided to turn off my cell phone because I kept getting text messages from people wishing me a happy birthday. I was very happy that my friends were remembering me, but I was exhausted! I was determined to keep a positive frame of mind, and I figured I'd be a lot more chipper after having a nap. As soon as I crawled in to bed, I heard the phone ring. I knew my mom would get the phone, so I didn't bother to pick it up. A minute later my mom called up to me to pick up the phone. I figured it was my gramma calling me to tell me what an "old woman" I was becoming as she does every year on my birthday. Instead when I picked up the phone, I heard a voice that was familiar, but yet I couldn't quite place it.

"Hello?" - Me
"Hey Tamara. How's it going? Were you asleep? Your mom said you might be sleeping. Sorry if I woke you up." - Randomly familiar voice.
"Um, no, I wasn't sleeping." - Me
"Good. I'd hate to think I woke you up. I tried calling your cell phone, but you didn't pick up. I did leave you a voicemail, though. Oh, by the way, this is Adrian." - Adrian
"Oh. Hi Adrian. I turned off my phone because I kept getting text messages and it was really nice but I was annoyed, and I turned it off because it's, um, my birthday, and um, I just wanted a little quiet." - Me
"You know, a little birdy told me it was your birthday. Happy birthday, hope I'm not bothering you on your quiet time." - Adrian
"Oh thanks. No you're not bothering me. And that little birdy was Jenn, right?"-Me
"Of course. Plus, I have your file right in front of me, and I'd be kind of dumb to not realize your DOB matched today's date. So, we should talk, huh?" - Adrian
"Yeah. Sorry, I uh, sent that email so late, if you saw the timestamp. I was just really wired, had a lot of caffeine and I couldn't turn my brain off." - Me
"I did notice that. I figured you probably had a reason to email me that late, but you'd really be shocked at the timestamp on some of the emails I get from people! I don't know why 3 or 4 or 5 am seems to be the most popular time for people to get back to me." - Adrian
"Yeah, that is kind of weird." - Me
"So anyhow. I gotta tell you, I'm really sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I'm taking all this stuff over from Heidi, and she has it down to a science, and I'm just learning it all. So in years past you would have been hired by now, and I'm trying to get through it all but I'm honestly just really slow at it." - Adrian
"I know, I really just figured it was something going on like that. Plus I know your wife just had her baby, so congrats on that. I figured things were kind of crazy." - Me
"Well thank you, we're very excited about the baby. But really, I didn't mean to make you think we were stringing you along. You've got to know by now that we value you." - Adrian
"I know... I know. I didn't mean to be a total spaz, it's just that I was told all these things by someone and..." - Me
"Told what by who?" - Adrian
"Oh the who isn't important. I was just basically told that all these people were being hired already, and I guess it kind of made me feel like I was being left out or forgotten about or something." - Me
"You know, honestly, it pisses me off that someone would say stuff like that to you. Especially seeing as it's your birthday and now you're worrying over nothing. Listen, I couldn't officially hire you yet, because we've still been talking with finance about summer salaries. I can unofficially tell you that I was planning on extending your job to you again, and that you'll be getting a raise, unofficially. But whomever it was telling you that people were being hired, is full of crap. I haven't hired anyone, period. There isn't a single person who has signed a contract for the summer, period, okay?" - Adrian
"Okay." - Me
"No, not okay. It really does bother me. The grapevine is out of control. People just say all kinds of things." -Adrian
"I know, I know. And usually I let that roll off my back, but this time it bothered me." - Me
"Well, listen. Here it is. Like I said, this is all unofficial so far. But you gotta trust me on this okay. Do you trust me?" - Adrian
"I trust you." - Me
"Okay, good. Because you have to believe that we're going to take good care of you here. Period. I've got your back, Tamara, always while you work here, I've got your back. So I need you to understand that." - Adrian
"Yes, I get it, you've got my back. Seriously." - Me
"Okay, good. Good. I'm sorry it has taken so long, and I have to say, it will probably be a few more weeks before I can officially get back to you. But you have nothing to worry about, okay? Nothing at all. So don't fret over this." - Adrian
"I won't fret, I promise." - Me
"Good. Okay, I'm going to let you enjoy the rest of your day. I'll talk to you later, and don't worry about this stuff anymore, it's not healthy." - Adrian
"Okay, no more worries. I swear." - Me

******

I have to say I found it quite humorous that Adrian said things to me like "don't fret" and "I've got your back." Although I did trust him, and I did believe what he said, for some reason the whole thing was still leaving me a bit anxious, probably because I just showed the world what a spaz I truly am. As for Dan, I'm still quite annoyed with him. I don't think he meant to be such a jerk, but he sure managed to be that way! When I was talking to a mutual friend Melanie, I mentioned a bit to her about what Dan said to me. Before I could tell her how I reacted, she said "Why did he go and say something so stupid like that?"

Yup, my thoughts exactly.


PS, while looking up the word "spaz" to figure out if I was spelling it right, I found out that it is apparently offensive to people from the UK. So I'm sorry if I offended anyone, I definitely didn't intend to!