Mother Nature has a sick sense of humor!

My official word for today is "ahhhgggghhh!" Why is that my official word for the day? It is my word for the day because that is the first thing I said this morning when I woke up.

Well, I guess it all started last night. I knew I didn't have to work today, so I stayed up a bit later than I should have. I've been taking my new year resolutions (I hate calling them resolutions but I guess that's what it is) seriously, and I have been gradually making myself go to bed at a decent hour. However, for some reason last night, I just couldn't sleep. I think this was probably hormonal, as, well, to be honest, aunt flo came for her week long visit yesterday. So it was 2 am before I went to bed, and 4 am before I actually fell asleep. Obviously, today was going to get a bit of a late start, but I was okay with being a bit tired today. I figured I'd be able to get up at a relatively decent hour (anytime before noon perhaps?) and get started on some things I had planned for today.

At about 5 am, I woke up with a very irrational thought. (Thank you once again hormones.) This "thought" was very, very irrational, so just bare with me for a sec, okay? I had a very brief thought about the fact that I was having my period. Which meant, another egg completely wasted. I thought about the fact that I didn't even have a boyfriend, which meant that there is no chance of me getting married anytime soon, which means no chance of me having a child anytime soon. Which meant, in my dazed and exhausted mind, that when I finally do have the chance to have a child, I'll probably be like 40, and my ovaries will be like little raisins who will say to me "yeah right... we haven't had eggs left in us for ten years. Should of had a kid 15 years ago when you had the chance."

Um, I wasn't really aware that I had any longing to be a mom anytime soon. I mean, yes, I know I want to have kids one day, and I know that I don't want to be 40 when attempting it, but... seriously? Where the hell did that thought come from? Even when having it, I knew it was irrational, but it didn't stop me from instantly feeling like a giant failure. Oh boy, if there was ever a time I needed something serious like Ambien, it was right then and there! I rolled over and went back to sleep, but my mind continued to race.

A little after 6 am, I woke up again! I was having some very mild cramps, but I didn't think much of it. I don't really get cramps very often, and when I do get them, it's nothing a little ibuprofen won't take care of. I remember lying in bed, thinking to myself "ahh... do I want to bother and get up to take something for this, when it might go away in a bit?" I started to drift back in to sleep again, when I rolled over. Suddenly I felt as if someone had kicked me in the abdomen (specifically my uterus). Which is why my first spoken word of the day was "ahhhgggghhh!" Suddenly my cramps were just insane. I had tears in my eyes and I got up and walked to the bathroom for the bottle of ibuprofen. I almost cried thinking about the fact that it would take almost a full hour for the ibuprofen to kick in.

I went back to bed, curled up in a little ball, trying to breath through the waves of pain I was experiencing. In the back of my mind came a conversation I had once had with my friend, mere hours after she had given birth. Her words haunted my thoughts as I could clearly hear her in my head saying "Tamara, giving birth, want to know what it felt like? Human torture. Like, imagine the worst menstrual cramp you've ever had, okay? It's like that times 100. It's like the granddaddy of menstrual cramps, cause it feels like that only super, super bad."

Um, right. Was I seriously about an hour before that panicking because I had no foreseeable future prospects? That it seemed like my chances of being a mother were slipping through my hands with ever month that goes by? Right... at this point, if someone offered to take my uterus out of my body I don't know that I would have refused them. It is really a sick, sick joke that mother nature chooses to play on women. Once a month (actually more than once a month, more like a week a month or better yet, one fourth of the month) a trace amount of chemicals in my body turn me in to an absolute nut, all in the name of possible reproduction?

It wasn't until about 8am that I finally fell asleep. It was really humorous in a way, because I knew immediately when the ibuprofen kicked in! It was like I thought in my head "oh... that cramp felt more like an accidental bumping of someones knee in to my abdomen, not at all like someone just smashed their soccer cleats in to me! The edge is off." Luckily, I know that it's the end of the line for cramps. If I am going to have a spell, I am lucky enough that it will only be "a" spell of cramps, versus hours or days of cramps. So I know I'm lucky in that concern.

Now it's a little after 3:30 pm, and I'm just now starting to feel like I'm getting a start on my day! Thank goodness I didn't have to work today! Although, I might have been just bitchy enough with the kids to make them sit down and behave themselves!