It seems like nothing at all went on in my life last week, and within a short few days life got busy without warning. I have lots of thoughts roaring around in my head that I'd like to get out, but I'm not sure where to start! Hmm... maybe I'll just go ahead and talk about this all chronologically. If it seems like I'm getting too focused on one subject, I think I'll just save some of the rest for tomorrow, versus trying to figure out what should be left out.
Okay, I'm going to start with Friday the 11th. Nothing major in life was going on. I was pretty proud of myself for taking the time to actually get in contact with a professor at U of M about a grad program I am interested in. Actually I need to email them back and tell them that I am interested in having a meeting with them. For the most part though, nothing major was going on in my life. I was planning on going to my friend Josh's housewarming party on Saturday, and that was really the only big plans I had on the horizon. This is why I was so taken off guard late Friday night/Saturday morning when I woke up in the middle of the night having an anxiety attack. I know this must have been partially hormonal... but man it had a way of sneaking up on me. I guess looking back I should have expected it... I have been anxious for days over seemingly nothing, but wow. I hadn't had an anxiety attack in months, and suddenly there I was, at 3 in the morning, crying and gasping for breath. Not a pleasant experience.
So now on Saturday morning, I really had to stop and take a look at all the things that I've been mentally carrying around with me as of late. What's bugging me? What triggered an anxiety attack? I've been trying this whole "don't worry about grad school" thing, but that's a lot easier said than done. The professor I emailed had told me that as long as my transcripts and recommendations were what they needed to be, I could start the program as early as May if I wanted to. May! I could start school in May and by the time August comes around I'd already have two semesters of school under my belt. How amazing would that be??? But what would I do for a job? I need money to finance this whole grad school idea. And guess what else? Subbing ends in June. No work when kids are on vacation. So I could not work at camp this summer, giving up a significant salary increase I received last summer, but I could be in grad school. The only thing my brain can stutter out is "What do I do???"
Another issue I had to deal with that I hadn't been really coming to terms with is that I was stressed about the idea of working at camp this coming summer. While last year was overall a very valuable experience that I am glad I undertook, it was also extremely grueling. I worked pretty much to the point of exhaustion last summer. I got home and the only thing I could think of was spending a lot of time in my bed. Why would I be getting stressed about this now, when obviously this is a summer job? Well of course, because hiring starts in January.
During the very end of November, I spoke to my boss Adrian concerning my thoughts of last summer, and the possibility of doing the coming summer. Overall we have a very positive conversation and he allowed me to vent a little bit about anything that frustrated me over the past year. He told me all about changes being made to camp next summer (High school during first and second sessions? Yikes!) and about a nature trail thing that he is doing that I could participate in. (Funny how he thinks that my Biology degree really gave me some incredible background in Ecology when in actuality I spent most of my time learning about some random receptor on a random cell of a random fruit fly.) So overall, it was a good talk. He ended the conversation with "Either me or Jenn will be in contact with you after we get your application in January, okay?" Jenn being the health director that I was assistant to, who is technically in charge of hiring me again.
The only thing that had me curious about that conversation was that he said "Either me or Jenn." That part made no sense to me. That part of the conversation made no sense to me because as I said moments before, technically Jenn is in charge of hiring me again. Last year, my chief of a boss Heidi may have told Jenn to hire me, but it was still Jenn who officially hired me. So why Adrian would be bothering with me is beyond me. I don't feel like there is a possibility of my being demoted, because things like that at camp are unheard of. If merely because there are too many politics involved, and it's kind of like being Roosevelt, once you have your job, no one is going to strip it away from you.
So now here we are a month and a half later. I've talked to Jenn multiple times, but she has yet to mention anything to me about us needing to hammer out details for the summer. She hints at camp saying things like "oh, don't go and do that Tamara! We need you healthy for the summer!" So needless to say, I feel like I'm being put on hold. Why??? I have a sneaking suspicion that a certain co-worker of mine, who is one of the associate staff directors (aka assistants to the camp directors, or, as we like to say, Heidi's bitches) is on the fence about the summer. While I was considering that job last year, it wasn't something I was really considering for this summer. I had a good experience with the health lodge last summer and I am completely fine with doing again. Traditionally, it has worked out that if there is an associate position to be filled, the assistant health director is put in that job. So am I being put on hold because another person has put Adrian and Heidi on hold? It's really freaking annoying to me, because I feel like if someone has an agenda that includes me, I should be put in the loop.
The best part of this is that I have grad school in the picture, to complicate matters. Even if I had the choice in front of me right now to make a decision about camp, I've got to figure out if I want to do this grad program, and if I want to start in May versus August. So all of these things are contributing to my anxiety, and are pretty much the reason why I had an anxiety attack. Err!!!! No wonder I have an unquenchable desire to go shopping today! I'm not sure what it is about a new pair of jeans or a new purse that makes everything better, but I've still got a lot of Christmas money to burn through. I figure that shopping will be a great therapeutic way to go, because it's completely guilt free. I'll be spending money that was given to me as a gift.
I wish I could say this is the end of what has caused my anxiety from Friday to now, but it's not. To be continued tomorrow.
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Tuesday, January 15, 2008
My Anxiety, part 1
It seems like nothing at all went on in my life last week, and within a short few days life got busy without warning. I have lots of thoughts roaring around in my head that I'd like to get out, but I'm not sure where to start! Hmm... maybe I'll just go ahead and talk about this all chronologically. If it seems like I'm getting too focused on one subject, I think I'll just save some of the rest for tomorrow, versus trying to figure out what should be left out.
Okay, I'm going to start with Friday the 11th. Nothing major in life was going on. I was pretty proud of myself for taking the time to actually get in contact with a professor at U of M about a grad program I am interested in. Actually I need to email them back and tell them that I am interested in having a meeting with them. For the most part though, nothing major was going on in my life. I was planning on going to my friend Josh's housewarming party on Saturday, and that was really the only big plans I had on the horizon. This is why I was so taken off guard late Friday night/Saturday morning when I woke up in the middle of the night having an anxiety attack. I know this must have been partially hormonal... but man it had a way of sneaking up on me. I guess looking back I should have expected it... I have been anxious for days over seemingly nothing, but wow. I hadn't had an anxiety attack in months, and suddenly there I was, at 3 in the morning, crying and gasping for breath. Not a pleasant experience.
So now on Saturday morning, I really had to stop and take a look at all the things that I've been mentally carrying around with me as of late. What's bugging me? What triggered an anxiety attack? I've been trying this whole "don't worry about grad school" thing, but that's a lot easier said than done. The professor I emailed had told me that as long as my transcripts and recommendations were what they needed to be, I could start the program as early as May if I wanted to. May! I could start school in May and by the time August comes around I'd already have two semesters of school under my belt. How amazing would that be??? But what would I do for a job? I need money to finance this whole grad school idea. And guess what else? Subbing ends in June. No work when kids are on vacation. So I could not work at camp this summer, giving up a significant salary increase I received last summer, but I could be in grad school. The only thing my brain can stutter out is "What do I do???"
Another issue I had to deal with that I hadn't been really coming to terms with is that I was stressed about the idea of working at camp this coming summer. While last year was overall a very valuable experience that I am glad I undertook, it was also extremely grueling. I worked pretty much to the point of exhaustion last summer. I got home and the only thing I could think of was spending a lot of time in my bed. Why would I be getting stressed about this now, when obviously this is a summer job? Well of course, because hiring starts in January.
During the very end of November, I spoke to my boss Adrian concerning my thoughts of last summer, and the possibility of doing the coming summer. Overall we have a very positive conversation and he allowed me to vent a little bit about anything that frustrated me over the past year. He told me all about changes being made to camp next summer (High school during first and second sessions? Yikes!) and about a nature trail thing that he is doing that I could participate in. (Funny how he thinks that my Biology degree really gave me some incredible background in Ecology when in actuality I spent most of my time learning about some random receptor on a random cell of a random fruit fly.) So overall, it was a good talk. He ended the conversation with "Either me or Jenn will be in contact with you after we get your application in January, okay?" Jenn being the health director that I was assistant to, who is technically in charge of hiring me again.
The only thing that had me curious about that conversation was that he said "Either me or Jenn." That part made no sense to me. That part of the conversation made no sense to me because as I said moments before, technically Jenn is in charge of hiring me again. Last year, my chief of a boss Heidi may have told Jenn to hire me, but it was still Jenn who officially hired me. So why Adrian would be bothering with me is beyond me. I don't feel like there is a possibility of my being demoted, because things like that at camp are unheard of. If merely because there are too many politics involved, and it's kind of like being Roosevelt, once you have your job, no one is going to strip it away from you.
So now here we are a month and a half later. I've talked to Jenn multiple times, but she has yet to mention anything to me about us needing to hammer out details for the summer. She hints at camp saying things like "oh, don't go and do that Tamara! We need you healthy for the summer!" So needless to say, I feel like I'm being put on hold. Why??? I have a sneaking suspicion that a certain co-worker of mine, who is one of the associate staff directors (aka assistants to the camp directors, or, as we like to say, Heidi's bitches) is on the fence about the summer. While I was considering that job last year, it wasn't something I was really considering for this summer. I had a good experience with the health lodge last summer and I am completely fine with doing again. Traditionally, it has worked out that if there is an associate position to be filled, the assistant health director is put in that job. So am I being put on hold because another person has put Adrian and Heidi on hold? It's really freaking annoying to me, because I feel like if someone has an agenda that includes me, I should be put in the loop.
The best part of this is that I have grad school in the picture, to complicate matters. Even if I had the choice in front of me right now to make a decision about camp, I've got to figure out if I want to do this grad program, and if I want to start in May versus August. So all of these things are contributing to my anxiety, and are pretty much the reason why I had an anxiety attack. Err!!!! No wonder I have an unquenchable desire to go shopping today! I'm not sure what it is about a new pair of jeans or a new purse that makes everything better, but I've still got a lot of Christmas money to burn through. I figure that shopping will be a great therapeutic way to go, because it's completely guilt free. I'll be spending money that was given to me as a gift.
I wish I could say this is the end of what has caused my anxiety from Friday to now, but it's not. To be continued tomorrow.
Okay, I'm going to start with Friday the 11th. Nothing major in life was going on. I was pretty proud of myself for taking the time to actually get in contact with a professor at U of M about a grad program I am interested in. Actually I need to email them back and tell them that I am interested in having a meeting with them. For the most part though, nothing major was going on in my life. I was planning on going to my friend Josh's housewarming party on Saturday, and that was really the only big plans I had on the horizon. This is why I was so taken off guard late Friday night/Saturday morning when I woke up in the middle of the night having an anxiety attack. I know this must have been partially hormonal... but man it had a way of sneaking up on me. I guess looking back I should have expected it... I have been anxious for days over seemingly nothing, but wow. I hadn't had an anxiety attack in months, and suddenly there I was, at 3 in the morning, crying and gasping for breath. Not a pleasant experience.
So now on Saturday morning, I really had to stop and take a look at all the things that I've been mentally carrying around with me as of late. What's bugging me? What triggered an anxiety attack? I've been trying this whole "don't worry about grad school" thing, but that's a lot easier said than done. The professor I emailed had told me that as long as my transcripts and recommendations were what they needed to be, I could start the program as early as May if I wanted to. May! I could start school in May and by the time August comes around I'd already have two semesters of school under my belt. How amazing would that be??? But what would I do for a job? I need money to finance this whole grad school idea. And guess what else? Subbing ends in June. No work when kids are on vacation. So I could not work at camp this summer, giving up a significant salary increase I received last summer, but I could be in grad school. The only thing my brain can stutter out is "What do I do???"
Another issue I had to deal with that I hadn't been really coming to terms with is that I was stressed about the idea of working at camp this coming summer. While last year was overall a very valuable experience that I am glad I undertook, it was also extremely grueling. I worked pretty much to the point of exhaustion last summer. I got home and the only thing I could think of was spending a lot of time in my bed. Why would I be getting stressed about this now, when obviously this is a summer job? Well of course, because hiring starts in January.
During the very end of November, I spoke to my boss Adrian concerning my thoughts of last summer, and the possibility of doing the coming summer. Overall we have a very positive conversation and he allowed me to vent a little bit about anything that frustrated me over the past year. He told me all about changes being made to camp next summer (High school during first and second sessions? Yikes!) and about a nature trail thing that he is doing that I could participate in. (Funny how he thinks that my Biology degree really gave me some incredible background in Ecology when in actuality I spent most of my time learning about some random receptor on a random cell of a random fruit fly.) So overall, it was a good talk. He ended the conversation with "Either me or Jenn will be in contact with you after we get your application in January, okay?" Jenn being the health director that I was assistant to, who is technically in charge of hiring me again.
The only thing that had me curious about that conversation was that he said "Either me or Jenn." That part made no sense to me. That part of the conversation made no sense to me because as I said moments before, technically Jenn is in charge of hiring me again. Last year, my chief of a boss Heidi may have told Jenn to hire me, but it was still Jenn who officially hired me. So why Adrian would be bothering with me is beyond me. I don't feel like there is a possibility of my being demoted, because things like that at camp are unheard of. If merely because there are too many politics involved, and it's kind of like being Roosevelt, once you have your job, no one is going to strip it away from you.
So now here we are a month and a half later. I've talked to Jenn multiple times, but she has yet to mention anything to me about us needing to hammer out details for the summer. She hints at camp saying things like "oh, don't go and do that Tamara! We need you healthy for the summer!" So needless to say, I feel like I'm being put on hold. Why??? I have a sneaking suspicion that a certain co-worker of mine, who is one of the associate staff directors (aka assistants to the camp directors, or, as we like to say, Heidi's bitches) is on the fence about the summer. While I was considering that job last year, it wasn't something I was really considering for this summer. I had a good experience with the health lodge last summer and I am completely fine with doing again. Traditionally, it has worked out that if there is an associate position to be filled, the assistant health director is put in that job. So am I being put on hold because another person has put Adrian and Heidi on hold? It's really freaking annoying to me, because I feel like if someone has an agenda that includes me, I should be put in the loop.
The best part of this is that I have grad school in the picture, to complicate matters. Even if I had the choice in front of me right now to make a decision about camp, I've got to figure out if I want to do this grad program, and if I want to start in May versus August. So all of these things are contributing to my anxiety, and are pretty much the reason why I had an anxiety attack. Err!!!! No wonder I have an unquenchable desire to go shopping today! I'm not sure what it is about a new pair of jeans or a new purse that makes everything better, but I've still got a lot of Christmas money to burn through. I figure that shopping will be a great therapeutic way to go, because it's completely guilt free. I'll be spending money that was given to me as a gift.
I wish I could say this is the end of what has caused my anxiety from Friday to now, but it's not. To be continued tomorrow.
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