It surely feels like Devil's Night...

It's Devil's Night, also known as the night before Halloween when vandals like to go crazy around the city. Let's hope that we can shoot for less than 15 arson cases last year's Devil's Night produced.

I've got so much on my mind and no where to put it all! First off, I have an interview for the job I described before, tomorrow afternoon at 1pm. Yes, on Halloween... lol I wonder if it would look unprofessional to come in costume? Just kidding. Anyhow, the job first seemed amazing and now I'm really questioning it. I mean... money is great and all, but at what sacrifice? I'm really concerned that working full time and going to school full time would be incredibly overwhelming. One thing I've learned is that stress is one thing, being overwhelmed is something completely different. Me + overwhelmed = disaster. I really made a commitment to myself that I was going to do whatever necessary to do well in school. I really would like to walk out of grad school with a perfect A average. Is that feasible? Maybe not, but it is a fantasy that would be amazing to accomplish. How could I accomplish that with a full time job? As it is, I haven't been able to sub hardly at all because I've been so consumed with school. Yes, I will have one less class next semester... but still. It's a worry.

Plus, even though my professor tried to sell me so hard on it, I felt like in a way I was just a part of her agenda. This helps to get research done... so they need to find someone to fill the job so that the project can get underway. I just feel like while yes, this would look good on my resume, the bigger role for me is filling someone's research goals. Is this a fair assessment? Perhaps not, but it's how I feel. And I feel that way because while she was telling me the job would be so flexible and "you'll have the summer free..." the job description describes something entirely different. I just feel like I was told what I wanted to hear. I guess basically until I talk to the chair of the department, I'm not sold on this by any means.

And to make me feel oh so great by the end of the day... when I was in class today, my professor (not the same person as above) decided to have a discussion about ethics with us. Only he used me as the example. I think he picked on me because he thought I was a good sport... but it ended up bugging me none the less. He says to the class "Okay, so you have the lovely Miss Tamara here... so it's your decision now. There is a nuclear bomb in the middle of downtown Chicago. It's going to go off, no if ands or butts and kill millions of people. Unless... you kill Tamara. So you have to decide, kill millions of people and save Tamara's life, or kill Tamara and save people in Chicago." Yes... okay I could have dealt with this fine if were just a topic for discussion, but he forced the class to take a vote. Yes, right in front of me, he forced my classmates to decide whether or not they were going to vote to kill me. Some of the people in the class voted no, but guess who got it in the end? Oh yes, you guessed right if you said me.

I know this was all a hypothetical type of question... but ever since my sister got diagnosed with MS and my grandfather passed away, dealing with my own mortality has been a big problem for me. So to watch a classroom of people vote in favor of my death was almost a little bit too much for me to deal with tonight. I didn't let on that it bothered me in class, but I definitely couldn't wait to get the hell out of there tonight. Not that I think I'm more important than a million people in the city of Chicago... but it's really not fun to watch your classmates vote to kill you, even if it was hypothetical. Especially when people starting asking questions like "Oh, who is going to have to kill her? Will it be me? Will we have to watch her die?"

Yeah... *&%# you all.