Another Catch All

Apparently I fail at blogging. :(

I will say quickly that the wedding was beautiful. My travels to Kansas City and back went off without a hitch, which is saying something because as soon as I landed in KC bad storms came rolling in. In stereotypical Kansas weather, a tornado warning met me at the airport. Everyone else in the wedding party who flew in got delayed, but I flew at the right window of time. Both brides were beautiful, and luckily the day of the wedding the weather was beautiful. Jenn kept complaining that she didn't feel well, and she ended up getting hospitalized the next day for a week with pneumonia! At least she was able to enjoy her wedding, which did turn out to be very beautiful.

I wish I had something exciting to say. I'm still subbing for kindergarten, and believe me when I say I am completely over it. There are two little trouble makers, one boy in particular, that literally make me question my sanity. So needless to say, I will be very glad when my long term job is over. Not that anyone feels the need to communicate with me when my job might be over. That might be the most frustrating part of all. No one has bothered to ask me if I would like to continue, they just extended my time! I was supposed to be with the school at latest through October 1st, and now it's until October 29th... and I highly doubt they'll be ready to say goodbye to me in November.

Which, I mean can I really complain about being employed? Some of the kids are great, but more likely than not I'm hoarse from trying to get the rest to mind me. I pretty much live for the days when we have "specials" like gym or music or art, because it gives me a few sweet moments to myself. It really bugs me that I can't enjoy my job, because like I said, some of my kids are great. It's just four boys... two in particular, that know how to make my day pure hell. It's really funny that I have 6 boys and 13 girls in my class... and four of those boys are more trouble than all 13 girls combined.

Sigh.

There has also been some other things going on in my life this past month. I've been "dating" a new guy. He's nice, cute, pretty harmless... and I have no interest in him being my boyfriend whatsoever. As nice as he is, he's just not my type. But yet I continue to hang out with him here or there because he's fun to make-out with. Does that make me a horrible person? After my break-up last fall, and all of the resulting anxiety and depression that followed, I just want to keep guys at an arm's length. We haven't discussed becoming a couple, and in fact, he made it a point to say he was okay with not labeling anything. But then he'll make comments about how in future, we should do this, or we should go here, or this or that... it makes me feel like he's expecting this is going to turn in to something more. I want to enjoy my time with him without feeling guilty, but there is this part of me that worries that I'm taking advantage of his interest in me. The last thing I ever want to be is in the position to break someone's heart the way mine was so ruthlessly torn apart.

And my job offers have fallen through... my professor didn't get any funding, and my boss at my internship has only recently been willing to discuss "volunteer" opportunities with me... nothing in regards to the former offer she put on the table. I'm kind of frustrated by this, but then at the same time, it's almost like I've grown to become accustomed to feeling disappointed. That can't be right, but somehow the sudden lack of prospects doesn't surprise me in the slightest. As soon as my thesis is done, I guess the next step is concentrating on getting my resume out. I know I should be doing that already, but at this point I'm so overwhelmed with work it just isn't happening.

I suppose it might not come as a big surprise to say my depression and anxiety have come back pretty strongly. It has taken me off guard, because while my depression has not left me as of yet, it did seem like it was very managed and under control. Camp really seemed to be a great thing for me this summer. It kept me super busy to where I couldn't focus on the negative thoughts, and it was such a positive and supporting environment I felt great. I felt like my old self again... and then I came home. The transition between camp and regular life is always a hard one, but I think being stuck in this kindergarten job really did me in. I went way too fast from a crazy summer job to a crazy fall job, and I didn't really give myself time to rest or decompress.

I kind of think this is why I'm dating a guy I know is all wrong. It is also why I'm not enthusiastic about finishing my thesis or finding a job... or anything right now. I'm trying to work through it, but it can be very hard. I honestly am looking forward to my sub job being over just so I will have time to see a counselor again. Life will get better, I know that somewhere deep down inside, but I just have to convince myself to believe it.