Happy Dance, Part One

I feel like I owe my readers (all four or five of them :)) an answer to all my blogs of recent times. I know some of you are wondering, "Well, what did you decide?"

So I'll tell it how I tell it best, in story form.

I knew I had to call Heidi, my boss on Wednesday. I had been going back and forth, back and forth since the weekend, trying to make up my mind. I had put off thinking about it, which was a good thing at the time...but I knew that the time finally had come when I would have to make up my mind. On Tuesday night, after a good workout, writing in my journal, talking to some friends on the phone, listening to my iPod, even discussing it with my mom, I had finally made my decision. I could sleep easy knowing that, okay, for better or for worse, my decision has finally been made.

The next morning, I got up and stewed it all over in my brain. I was suddenly really really nervous! Why was I so nervous about talking to Heidi? Had I not had a million conversations with her over the years? Had I not woken her up in the middle of the night because the Promenade bathrooms decided to flood? Had this woman not sat waiting for me at my desk when I came out of the shower in a pair of pajamas and flip flops? Had she not at one time given me her credit card to charge $200 worth of pop at Meijer? Why was I so freaking nervous, when I already had my mind made up?

Maybe I was so nervous because I value her opinion greatly. Or maybe I wasn't nervous about talking to her. Maybe I was just nervous because I knew that my decision actually had the ability to change the future outcome of my life. It also had the ability to close a door on an old part of my life. Verbalizing my decision to Heidi was like making it permanent, once and for all. It was no longer something floating around in my head, something that I could easily take back. Once it was out there, it was there. Once I make a decision "permanent" the last thing I want to do is go back on it.

So as I was out (one of my errands included going to U of M Flint to get my parking permit updated), I sat in the parking lot. I looked at the clock and realized it was around the time to call Heidi. I had just previously listened to SexyBack, cause I figured, hey, might as well put a little cocky arrogance to myself...it will make it a little bit easier for me to spit my thoughts out. I dialed the camp number on my cell phone, and waited for someone to answer. Meanwhile I was rehearsing in my head exactly how I would start the conversation. Should I say "Yo, what's up big H?" Nooo. Funny, but not moment appropriate. "Hey, there, it's Tamara...just calling when you said we could chat...so...yeah...." Okay, the whole passive vibe wasn't what I was going for. "Hello, Heidi, this is Tamara B...... how are you doing this afternoon?" Ah, kind of formal, but it would do. "Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp, how can I help you?" A familiar voice rang through the receiver of my phone. Laurel! My good old friend Laurel in the office. I thought about saying "Hey Laurel, it's me Tamara! How are you??," but the only thing I could manage to squeak out was "Can I please have Heidi?"

She clicked me over to Heidi's line...and I waited while music played. Why do they put that stuff on phone lines? What was that anyhow? Adagio for Strings?? Ahh... Why did I feel like I had frog in my throat? Why won't my misery of phone music end. Why did I have to talk to her today, why didn't I just send her an email and..."I'm sorry, it completely slipped my mind. She's in a meeting right now. Do you want her voice mail?" Laurel's voice came booming back on to the line. "Ah, no, no, uh, that's alright, I'll just try her back in a bit. Um, bye."

Crap. Well it was more of an S and ended with a T that was yelled. I forgot, we had originally agreed on 11:30 but Heidi emailed me back to tell me she had a meeting that might not be over until noon. Ahh! So aggravating! So what to do now? I still had a check to put in my account, so I decided to run across town to the bank, and call her when I was done.

Well, I ended up killing over half an hour of time by going to the bank. I decided to head home to call, but then I thought to myself...do I really want to make this call at home, where my mom will inevitably be hearing the whole thing, even though she claims she just "happened to be in the room right next door dusting"??? Or do I just want to do this in private? Yeah, well private won out, so the only thing I could think of was pulling back into the same U of M lot I had just left, to place my call.

I sat again, parked, with my cell phone. Somehow, the aggravation of it all had temporarily took my nerves away. I decided to go with that feeling, and just make the call. Thinking about it was not going to help anything. Again I dialed the number, and again I heard Laurel answer "Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp, how can I help you?" This time I wasn't squeaking, when I said "Hi, I called earlier. May I please speak to Heidi?"

Finally, my voice was sounding the way it was supposed to sound. "Well, Heidi is at lunch, I think. Hey maybe she hasn't left yet. No, no, I'm pretty sure she did...she was down here earlier talking about some kind of food...hmm, maybe she went home for a bit? I'm not sure but..." Ahh! I suddenly had a flash back to the middle of last summer, when I was trying to call a parent in a five minute span, and calling the switchboard to call out, only to have a never ending phone conversation with Laurel. In my head all I could think of was "Oh my god Laurel shut up before I lose my nerve!" Finally, after what felt like a million years of me saying "Uh huh..." and Laurel talking about randomness (I'm still pretty sure at this point she didn't realize who she was talking to), she finally connected me to Heidi.

I had to listen to the music again, this time it was very clearly Carmina Burana. "O Fortuna for sure I need you right now..." I muttered as I waited and waited for Heidi's voice mail to finally pick up. This phone tag thing, was really really starting to piss me off a bit. It was NOT what my nerves needed. Just as I was about to get irritated I heard someone come on to the line. "Hello..." Ah Laurel again? For the love of God Woman! "Hello..." Ah. Wait a second, that doesn't sound like Laurel...it's not! It's Heidi. I thought Heidi was at lunch! What is this? I am actually getting her in the flesh? I realized at this point I still hadn't said anything. "Hey Heidi! Heidi! It's Tamara. How are you?" So much for formalities.

I heard a gulp. Then a cough. Then a strangled "Hey! Tamara... hang on a sec." Cough cough cough. "Hey, Heidi, did I catch you at a bad time? Laurel said you were either at lunch or on your way to lunch." "Oh no, no, I actually just stepped in the door from lunch. I kind of choked on something I put in my mouth when I answered the phone, actually." "Oh, well, that isn't good!" I muttered. Ah was I totally bugging her now?

So... awkward silence. I couldn't decide if to continue on with the polite phone nonsense, or should I just blurt it out already? Is there a need to prolong this misery anymore? "Hey Tam, you still there?" Heidi shortening my name brought me back to my senses. Hey, I know this person. No need to be awkward, even if we are technically getting in touch to talk about business. "Um, yeah, yeah! I'm still here, sorry, I got distracted by something." Yeah, by my own mental nonsense! "Oh good! I thought maybe we got disconnected. So, how ARE you? I haven't heard from you all fall...last I heard you were trying to figure out the whole grad school thing. What have you been up to since I saw you in August?"

What an innocently asked, yet loaded question! Should I say what has really been going on since August, or should I just make it short and sweet? Short and sweet I decided at once. "Yeah, um, well, I got wait listed for the grad school of my choice, so I kind of had a diva moment and didn't bother to apply anywhere else. But I've had lot to keep me busy, I work full time as a sub, I recently started school part time, I joined the Flint Festival Chorus, and I'm doing some volunteer work. So I've had lots to keep me busy." "Ahh. Yeah you sound busy, busier than me for sure. Hey, what's that about you getting wait listed? Are they crazy? Especially after I wrote you a glowing recommendation??" Heidi asked seriously. "Well, it basically came down to my MCAT scores came in two months after their deadline, plus, a professor who was writing me a recommendation didn't send in my rec until after the deadline. They clearly stated that if your application wasn't in in full before the deadline you would be rejected. All but the MCAT scores, but they warned you'd most likely be wait listed. But I talked to a prof at school, and he said if I wasn't a good candidate I would have gotten rejected, so I should definitely reapply for next year. You know, I'll just do it early." I blurted out without much thought. How many people had I explained this to already, anyhow? Not that I was annoyed, it was just simply old hat.

"Well, Tam, too bad you had to put school off for a year, but I have no doubt you'll do fine with everything next year. Feel free to let me know if you need me to write you a recommendation again." "Yeah, thanks Heidi, I might take you up on that." Okay, now, it was getting easier to talk to her. My foot wasn't even wiggling anymore. "Hey, you know Tamara, I really want to tell you I admire you so much for being focused on grad school and looking towards the future. That was something I wished I possessed. I mean, school for me was about one big party and having fun. Well, haha, we see where I ended up. Working as a camp counselor." Heidi was now making jokes at her own expense. Hey, had I heard that right? She was a party girl? What? No way. That serious, blond with the piercing blue eyes that could scare the piss out of the President if she were mad, was once a party girl? My mind immediately went to the time last year when Heidi, in an attempt to make fun of my friend Sarah, faked an orgasm at the lunch table. Oh yeah...now I could see it. After all, this was the person who turned boring UD meetings into "seed spitting contests, outside, in front of Merek, bonus points if you can hit a health lodge van or faculty member on a bike." And this person, was actually giving me the compliment of saying she wished she were more like me? I've bowed down to her master powers of manipulation (man, and I've always thought I was good at manipulating situations! I've always admired Heidi if only because she can read people like a book and immediately use it in her favor. I know that sounds slightly evil...and maybe it is, but I admire it none the less.) The one thing I've always been proud of was that I could always recognize when she was trying to manipulate the situation, and in fact, the two of us seemed to take a liking to each other when she once raised her eyebrows at me when realizing I was manipulating a situation myself. Did she do anything to stop me? No. She just smiled at me and let me continue on my charade.

But one thing I've always truly admired about her is that she doesn't throw away a compliment. She can actually move a situation into her favor without b.s.ing, and that to me, is the most impressive thing I've seen. Hearing her compliment me felt really good, but I still had a decision I wanted to get out of me. I think Heidi must have sensed this because she awkwardly said "Ah so, let's talk some about what I emailed you about. " "Yeah, let's do that, that would be good..." I trailed off, holding my breath for a second. Ah, it was time to finally get this ball moving.