Wake Me Up, When September Ends

I'm so frustrated right now!!! Ah. I'm not even sure if I should blog about any of this... it may be TMI, or might just be an overdramatic moment I'm having, or it may just be more than I should share... but I need to get it out! I am irritated, tired, weary, angry, and hurt all at once, and I don't know what to do.

Okay, first, let me start by saying the transition from camp to regular life, and vice versa, is always a hard one for me. It is always hard to go from working non-stop in my little bubble of friends who I've known for years, to going back home where everything is at a slower pace. So I am aware that I am having a little more anxiety than normal. I can feel it... I'm a big ball of anxiety right now.

And, the second thing is that I'm officially moving out in October with my friend Bernadette. It is long overdue, and I'm super excited... but yes, it is probably adding to my anxiety. I thought my mom would freak when I told her, but instead she's been pretty laid back about the whole thing, even offering me some old furniture and told me she'd buy us some kitchen items.

So that is a bit of why I'm already a bit anxious lately. Now, we can throw in why I've been hurt and frustrated lately... which returns us to the saga of Scott versus D. Okay, so things were going good with Scott. All summer long it was a sickening display of giggling and flirting with one another. We weren't even working together, yet we talked every single day... there was even a moment when he told me he loved me. (Which, no lie, scared me a bit, to say the least... flattering, but scary to hear those words from someone!)

Anyhoo... and of course I had made peace with the fact that D and I weren't going to be together, and I was totally fine with that. I was completely ready to move on, and I was. D and I swore we'd be friends... so no harm, no foul.

And now I'm back home, and last week it was all lovey dovey with Scott. And it's funny how much difference a week can make. He's been really busy with grad school starting up, and I totally understand that... but somehow in the last week he's been kind of distant. He practically begged me to come and visit him in Ohio this weekend... but now he still has yet to confirm a day with me. Plus, on Thursday... he definitely told me while he was talking to me online, that he was also talking to his ex-girlfriend! He was being honest, and he said it was purely a friendly conversation, but still... I found myself really irked by the whole thing. To make this whole thing more frustrating and irritating... we had kind of discussed that this weekend might be "the" weekend. As in, if it felt right, we might be together this weekend.

Yeah. Uh huh. See... TMI?

Now where does D fit in to this whole scenario? Well he shouldn't... except last night he decided to wedge himself right into things. I was online, already in the midst of a conversation with another friend about my frustrations with Scott, when D sent me an instant message. The conversation basically started out with D deciding to tell me that he has a new girlfriend... and then he continued to drill me about Scott. He just came right out and asked me if I had slept with Scott! I couldn't believe it! Yes, D and I have had a very open friendship over the years... if you can call a cat and mouse game a friendship... but still... I couldn't quite believe he was just outwardly asking me that. When I politely told him the answer to that question was no, he then proceeds to tell me that "he wins" because he's been sleeping with his new girlfriend for about three weeks. He "beat me to the punch" because even though I've been seeing Scott since April, he's only been seeing this girl since July. And after he got done bragging about this, he then told me he was calling it a night, and would talk to me later.

WTF!!! What the hell was that? I don't care if we did decide to be friends, and if we're pretty honest with each other... that was just completely uncalled for. I told you in June that I cared a lot about you... and then you therefore think it's necessary to brag to me about all the sex you're having with your new girlfriend??? Why is he such a tool? I can't believe I ever cared so much about him, and I feel like last night was purely his way of rubbing my nose in it. I can't remember the last time someone hurt me so much with their words before. I could care less what he's doing with his new girlfriend... what bothers me so much is that he felt the need to brag about how amazing his life is.

And I did talk to Scott briefly online last night... after I was so upset about all of this. I told him a very short version of what happened... in which his response was so ridiculously stupid. I basically said "I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear about me being upset by some other guy I used to care about... I just needed someone to talk to. I can't believe he'd go out of his way to be such a jerk to me." Scott's oh-so-brilliant response to this was "Oh. So do you want me to be a bigger jerk, to make that seem not so bad?"

REALLY? Out of all the words and phrases in the English language, this is the sentence he decides to construct? I was literally holding back my tears as I replied with "Why? Do you want to be a bigger jerk right now?" Two minutes later, he replies with "What? I was kidding... shush... you know the only thing I want to do right now is hold you... make it go away."

And yeah... the conversation ended a little bit after that. I just don't know if I am reading too much into Scott, and in turn overreacting to D... but I would just like to get a million miles away right now. I just feel like I can't win, no matter what I do. If this is how September is going to go... it's going to be a long month.