Sick and Tired

Oh... hello all. I guess I finally have something a little deeper to blog about, on this snow day. Yes, the Flint Schools are closed so all the little kiddies have a snow day, the University of Michigan-Flint actually called a snow day, and I won't have my internship today because they too, are taking a snow day. Which is good on the one hand, because I have been fighting a cold and could use the rest. But that leaves me alone with chores and homework that have been neglected, and my thoughts. Oh my thoughts.

Do you guys ever feel like life has a way of kicking you when you're down? I feel that way. I feel that way a lot lately.

Like, my break-up was a lot harder than what I thought it would be. I got my heart broken, and I didn't realize just how badly that could hurt. But I was moving past it. I have been moving past it... not fully myself again, but not letting it completely consume me. I've been proud of myself for trying to move on with my life.

And things were better with my gramma, too. She had been moved to a rehab facility, and besides for one more lung biopsy, they were looking to release her to home within the next week or so. My aunts and mom have been at war (my aunts are really horrible people who have said and done nasty things while my gramma has been ill), but what else is new? My mom was upset because no one told her where the rehab place was, my aunts said my mom was lying, they commanded her to be my gramma's primary caregiver when she moved back home, my mom was upset because they "knew" she'd say that it wasn't possible and use this as fuel to their fire, my aunt even said "if mother dies, do you even want us to contact you?" to my mother....

It's been ugly. Even for them, very, very ugly. It's selfish and cruel and just wrong. And if my gramma knew what they were doing, she'd be very hurt and angry.

So anyhow, after my gramma's lung biopsy (about a week ago) they moved my gramma back into intensive care. My mom couldn't figure out why, but no one would give her any answers. She and my aunts weren't speaking anymore, and my uncle is usually pretty MIA, so we weren't sure what was going on. My mom had been trying to get in touch with my gramma, but to no avail. She even thought my gramma might be mad at her for some reason, that maybe my aunts were telling her random things and this is why my gramma hadn't been in touch with her. My mom had been ill, so she didn't want to go up to the hospital.

Long story short, my cousin called my sister last night saying "You guys need to know what's going on, your mom needs to know, and my mom is being so stubborn right now. She refuses to call your mother, and I think it's disgusting and wrong. I couldn't let that happen. I'm calling you, but I don't have your mother's phone number..."

Apparently my gramma never regained consciousness after her biopsy. It was supposed to be a simple procedure. Have the biopsy, go home the next day. They were simply checking to see if there were any signs of MRSA left. Instead, they found that she had cirrhosis of the lungs (I didn't even know such thing existed), which is terminal. They also somehow discovered that she has been living with breast cancer, and it's in the late stages, and she had no idea. Her body just is too weak to continue, and they think she'll pass within the next two weeks.

And this is where I feel like life has kicked me while I've been down. Just when I thought I was moving on with my life, it seems like life's dark side is trying to pull me down yet again. When my gramma passes, I will have no more living grandparents. And I can honestly say I fully believe it will be the end of the relationship my mom has with her siblings, at least her sisters. And it's hard enough to know you'll be losing your beloved grandmother (I always thought my grandma was a lot like Rose from the Golden Girls, sweet as sugar even if sometimes naive and slightly ditzy), but to know it will mark an end to your relationship with your extended family is even harder. Even though we've had a horrible relationship... somehow, it's still my family. What is the world coming to when the only connection I have to my cousins is Facebook? Even that isn't much, as we never return messages to one another.