My very long week, and then some.

Oh life. Where to start? As if anything in my life could be logical. I truly feel like I am at one of those big life crossroads right now... and I have no idea which way the wind is going to push me!

So I decided to take a page from Robin's book a little over a month ago, and I joined Match.com. I only joined for a month... because I just wanted to try it out, and also, I didn't want to pay out a ton of cash. (Read: I'm broke like a joke right now!). So anyhoo... that was interesting. There were a few guys who seemed really nice, and then somehow the emails just fizzled and died. I don't know, I'm just not the type of girl who is going to try to entertain a guy, so... yeah. I actually went on a date at the very end of September, or beginning of October, I forget which. The guy was very nice but we had no chemistry. Also, I didn't find him attractive at all. I don't need a guy to look like Brad Pitt, but he's got to be attractive at least to me... and I didn't find him attractive. Not even nerdy awkward cute. Just... hmm.

Anyhow, my Match subscription is over, and I don't know if I'll join again anytime soon. I'm still emailing one guy, but honestly I'm not holding out for any great magic. He seems nice but also like a super geek, so that could be good or bad. I thought internet dating was the answer for someone like me, but I'm just not sure.

Moving on... I've been back to visit my friend Jenn in the hospital. She looked great when I saw her on Wednesday, and she was even out of her bed, sitting in a chair and chatting it up. Well, as much as you can chat it up with an oxygen mask glued to your face. She's bummed because she is only a 45 on the transplant list... which makes her in moderate need. Basically the closer you get to 100 the better... or worse depending on how you look at it. She told me her insurance benefits will be up in April... so she's filing for disability and Medicaid. When I look at someone like her, it just pisses me off to no end the number of people in this country who still seem to think private insurance is the way to go. No one should have to be in a situation like Jenn's and be worried about their insurance running out, and how they're going to pay their medical expenses. But, I'm digressing... I'll get off my soap box.

Jenn wanted to be very serious with me, and she even started talking about the fact that she could die. Of course I know she can die, but it's not exactly something I want to think about. Apparently a woman that she was friends with on Facebook that she met through an online LAM group just died after waiting for a transplant for the last four years. It definitely wasn't a morale booster. What do you say in a situation like that? Sorry just didn't quite seem like enough.

And in other news, I am so over my job! I hate, hate, hate the Flint schools. It is awful, I literally feel like I am working at a juvenile detention center. Case in point, on Tuesday I subbed at one of the middle schools (against my better judgement.) What meets me at the door? A Flint Police cruiser. Yeah, that's what you want to see parked outside your place of employment first thing in the morning. The students were awful. AWFUL. I subbed art, and the room was already trashed when I walked in, because apparently the class had had subs for the last week. I was literally at the top of my lungs asking the kids to sit down and it was like I was talking to a wall. A security guard finally came in and screamed at them, and it wasn't until she threatened them with suspension that they finally listened to her. And even then, she looked at me, and said "They're not going to do anything you say... just make sure no one gets in a fight. If they do, buzz for the office and I'll be back down, don't try to get in the middle of it or they'll be fighting you, too."

Lovely. And then yesterday, I subbed in an elementary, for fifth grade. The kids were being awful, and this one little girl was especially being a snot. Well, she mouthed off to me for like the 30th time that day, and I had had it. When I went over to lecture her on her rotten attitude, she said to me "I can't stand you. And ew, you just spit on me. My mother doesn't like it when people are disrespectful to me."

I about lost my mind. I will say here and now that my anger had reached its boiling point. I totally snapped at her and said "Oh, I'm sorry, and who is your mother? Oh that's right, she's nobody to me! I don't know your mother, so why in the world should I care if you think your mother doesn't like me? Who is she, Michelle Obama? Spare me! How about you go home and tell your mother how utterly out of hand you've been all day, and then tell me how she likes that? But somehow I'm betting you'll leave that part out, won't you? I cannot believe you're going to sit here and try to threaten me with your mother, you've got a lot of nerve!"

Sigh. Obviously I'm not happy that I snapped at the kid. Not that she didn't deserve it, but I can't believe I let her get under my skin like that! So then I hear her now going on and on to anyone who will listen that "That sub just called my mom a nobody! No one does that and gets away with it! Just wait til I tell my momma!"

Oh good lord. I clearly used poor choice of words. I in no way meant to call her mother a "nobody." I meant that I don't have a relationship with the woman, so I'm hardly going to feel threatened by her when I'm not the one in the wrong. I just sighed and shook my head. I wasn't even going to try to clear the air with this kid.

So, it's the end of the day, I've had it... I have almost met my breaking point. I wrote two behavioral referrals, and one kid who I sent to the office decided to instead go out a back door and hide on the playground. As I found out when the kids in the room started running toward the window. So that was great when I had to call the office to let them know we had an escapee. I finally got to go home, and as I'm in my car, parked and waiting for the traffic to clear so I can leave, all of a sudden someone is tapping on my window! I roll down my window to find snotty kid with her mom in tow.

Her mom started questioning me, asking me if I was her daughter's teacher today, and did I have a "run in" with her daughter, and exactly what did I say? I should have felt threatened, but at this point I was still so ticked off, I wasn't giving in. I told her that her daughter had been a nightmare for the whole day, showing me nothing but bad attitude, and then had the nerve to try and threaten me. Her mom surprisingly was understanding, but then ended the conversation with "well, I have 10 kids so I know how frustrating they can be... I listened to her but I knew there was more to this... but word of advice, watch what you say, if I was some ignorant parent this could have ended in more than a simple conversation."

Which honestly, she was right... a sub got physically attacked at an elementary last year. But I couldn't help but hear the condescending attitude in her voice that her daughter so obviously inherited. I just shook my head and rolled up my window and drove home... seething mad and somehow also feeling horrible for losing my cool. So... yeah, let's just say, yesterday, I was not having a good day. I kept floating between complete anger and frustration, to almost wanting to cry. I couldn't help but cancel the job I had for today. Another day at another awful school....

So something's clearly got to give. I just dread every single day of work... and yet, seeing as I haven't hit the lottery, I don't really have an another option. I'm supposed to be getting an interview soon for a research assistant position at the University of Michigan. I know the woman who is heading the project because she worked on the pilot program at the non-profit where I interned. The only concern is they want current students, and I will only technically be a student until December... so we'll see how that goes. I also think I'm going to re-sign with the company that places subs in the out-county schools. Those districts pay less, but it is a night and day difference. The "worst" classrooms are a dream next to the Flint schools. I'd make about $400 less a month, but if I get the part-time research assistant position, it would make make up for the difference. I can't keep working in neighborhoods where I'm literally putting my life in danger when I have to stop at a red light, and have to be tortured by adolescents, and then have to be concerned that their parent is going to try to physically assault me. Enough is enough.