90 Days of Frustration

So at the end of my last blog I had mentioned that I was beginning a 90 day challenge. I am currently in the middle of this challenge that I've given myself. It isn't some specific program or anything like that, it is just an attempt to see what I can do within the course of three months. When I got home from Vegas, I had to take note about how frustrated I was with everything in life. No real job prospects, putting on weight during the summer, being lonely, feeling unmotivated, etc. I could feel my anxiety starting to get the better of me, and I know that is just a slippery slope back into the sea of depression. Something had to give.

In a moment of pure frustration and grief, I decided to give myself 90 days to make some changes in my life. Is it possible to solve my frustrations all within 3 months? Probably not. I recognize that, but I also feel like, while I won't have all the answers in 3 months, I can at least work towards some sense of clarity. Nothing is going to change in my life unless I take action. Just sitting here waiting for some miracle to happen isn't overly realistic. And quite frankly, I know a few girls like that, and they piss me off. The girls who sit and wait for their Prince Charming or that perfect job, or that perfect whatever... and don't do anything to make it happen for themselves. They just decide that it is all in God's hands. Okay, God is great, but I also feel like God helps those who help themselves. Time to stop complaining about what isn't working and try to make things work for myself.

The first week of the challenge to myself didn't really seem like I had accomplished much. I think I spent more time crying because of being anxious and frustrated after looking at myself so harshly under a microscope. That guilt of "I have it so much better than so many people in this world, why am I upset" started to kick in. But I do see how that self-reflection was necessary, and valuable. Okay, I'm tired of my jeans not fitting after a summer away. I'm tired of seeing everyone posting photos of their boyfriends/husbands/adorable children (no offense!) while I feel lonely. I'm tired of not having a job after being so busy all summer. Okay... great, now what?

So I joined an online dating site, specifically Chemistry. com. Went ahead and signed myself up for 3 months. Now, honestly, I see that I'm not particularly thrilled with this site, and I think I should have went with Match of eHarmony... at least I'm putting myself out there. Which by the way, this has caused more grief, too. While I don't think of myself as being a beauty queen, I do think I'm decently attractive. But I have to say, there may be no better reflection of the assbackwardness of our culture than a dating site. Everyone wants to pretend that they're colorblind and that the world has come so far since the days of separate drinking fountains, but has it really? I swear, it's like 9 out of 10 profiles of men will list that they are willing to date a woman of any ethnic background... except African-American. When you see stuff like that online, it makes you feel like shit, to be quite honest. There is nothing more cruel in this world than to be rejected simply because of the color of your skin. Sigh. And everyone wonders why I'm so often single. I put myself out there... I just don't get a lot of attention in return. I 100% believe that if I had the same profile but lighter skin, I would get twice the responses from men.

To help with that frustration of not fitting into my jeans, I've been going to the park to ride my bike (about 6 miles), and I renewed my gym membership. And on a whim, I decided to start the Couch 2 5k program. I am not much of a runner, I'll admit that here and now (even though I used to run cross country through middle school). I don't even know if I think running is the best option to keep my joints healthy, however, I thought it was time to challenge my mind and body in a new way. I'm almost done with the first week, and I've been totally shocked that I've been able to do the workouts thus far. It's all a solitary challenge too... I just downloaded a week one Podcast, and off I went, walking and running laps around my apartment complex. In one week I'm already down 2 lbs. It is definitely mind over matter, so I think it is fitting in well with my 90 days challenge.

Finally, I've been applying for every job under the sun. I am in a job market within Michigan that dictates that you will end up with a job you are highly over qualified for. So all the jobs that I actually "am" qualified for, I'm getting looked over for, because there are people who have 10+ years experience willing to take an entry level job. Even jobs I would be a perfect fit for, and not only have the "requirements" but the "desired additional requirements" I'm not getting call backs on. It is incredibly frustrating, and I might have to eat my words on the whole no subbing thing. If I don't get any job offers by the end of the month, I'll have to start subbing again, or else I'll see my savings completely drained by the time January hits. But instead of crying over it, I just keep rewriting my cover letter over and over again, and keep tweaking my resume, and keep hoping that someone will bite. I can't even get into the conversation right now about my fear of someone actually biting... but that is another conversation for another time.

So yes, in the end, as you can tell, I still have a lot of frustrations. Frustrations that might not be cured within the next 90 days. But you know what? I'm trying. I'm trying to take my fate into my own hands. That in itself has got to be worth something, right?